Have you ever stopped to think about the messages you absorbed about sex when you were growing up? Whether those messages came from parents, teachers, friends, or even media like pornography, they leave a lasting imprint. These early influences shape how we approach intimacy, relationships, and even our understanding of our own bodies as adults. As a sex therapist, I see the profound ways these foundational experiences ripple through people’s lives—and I’m here to help untangle them and guide you toward better sex.

Where Do We Learn About Sex?

For many people, sex education—if it happened at all—was limited to the basics: anatomy, reproduction, and maybe a warning about sexually transmitted infections (STIs). Conversations about pleasure, consent, or emotional intimacy were often absent. In these voids, many turn to media like pornography to fill in the blanks. Unfortunately, pornography often becomes the most common, yet deeply flawed, form of sex education.

The issue isn’t just about what porn shows but what it leaves out. Porn rarely teaches communication, emotional connection, or the realities of a healthy intimacy Instead, it creates unrealistic expectations, focusing on performance over connection, and can leave people feeling confused or inadequate in their own relationships.

The Messages We Absorb

Here are some common themes people internalize from their early experiences with sex education (or lack thereof):

1. Silence Equals Shame: If intimacy was never openly discussed, it’s easy to internalize that it’s something to be ashamed of. This can make it difficult to communicate openly with a partner.

2. Sexuality as Performance: Pornography often reinforces the idea that sex is about looking or acting a certain way rather than focusing on mutual pleasure and connection.

3. Gendered Expectations: Many people grow up with stereotypes about how men and women “are supposed to” approach sex, which can create pressure and misunderstandings in relationships.

4. Lack of Emotional Connection: Without guidance on how sex can be an intimate, emotional experience, some may struggle to connect it with love and vulnerability.

How These Messages Impact Adult Relationships

These early lessons often manifest in adulthood in surprising ways. For example, someone who grew up with silence around sex may struggle to express their desires or boundaries in a relationship. Those who internalized the idea that intimacy is about performance might experience anxiety, avoidance, or dissatisfaction. And individuals who relied on porn for education may find themselves grappling with unrealistic expectations about what a fulfilling sex life looks like.

When these unhelpful narratives go unexamined, they can become roadblocks to intimacy, leading to frustration, shame, or disconnection with a partner.

Rewriting the Narrative and Enjoying Better Sex

The good news is that these patterns aren’t set in stone. With intentional effort and support, it’s possible to unlearn harmful messages and replace them with healthier, more empowering beliefs about sex and intimacy. Here’s how:

1. Reflect on Your Early Influences: Take time to think about the messages you received about sexuality growing up. Who or what shaped your understanding? How do those messages show up in your current relationships?

2. Seek Accurate Information: Educate yourself about sexuality in ways that emphasize communication, emotional connection, and mutual pleasure. Books, workshops, and resources grounded in sex-positive, inclusive frameworks can be a great start.

3. Challenge Shame: Practice talking about what happens in the bedroom openly with your partner or a trusted professional.  The more you normalize these conversations, the less power shame will have.

4. Rebuild Intimacy: Work on cultivating emotional intimacy with your partner. This might mean learning to express your needs, setting boundaries, or simply exploring what makes you feel most connected and safe.

How Sex Therapy Can Help

If you’ve found yourself struggling with intimacy, you’re not alone. As a sex therapist, I help people explore these early messages, process how they’ve impacted their lives, and work toward creating a fulfilling and connected intimate relationship. Therapy provides a safe space to uncover blocks, heal from shame, and build a deeper connection with yourself and your partner—key steps on the journey to better sex.

Your early messages about sex don’t have to define your future. Together, we can rewrite your story to embrace intimacy, vulnerability, and joy.

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If this resonates with you or you’re ready to take the next step in your journey, reach out. Let’s start the conversation and help you discover what’s possible.

Looking for more insights on intimacy and connection? Explore my other blog posts or contact me to learn how sex therapy can transform your relationship.

Unsure if you have been influenced negatively by pornography? Check out this blog on 10 signs that your sex life is being subconsciously influenced by watching pornography.