5 Ways Sexual Trauma Might Be F’ing Up Your Sex Life
Sex, Therapy, Trauma No Response
Trauma, especially sexual trauma has a way of sneaking into the places where we feel most vulnerable—one of those places being the bedroom. If you’ve ever felt disconnected from sex or struggled with intimacy in ways that don’t quite make sense, unresolved trauma may be playing a role.
Here are five ways trauma might be F’ing up your sex life—and, more importantly, how healing can help.
1. You Have Difficulty Letting Go
One of the most beautiful parts of sex is the ability to surrender—to lose yourself in an experience of intimacy, connection, and pleasure. But if letting go feels impossible or even unsafe, unresolved trauma might be getting in the way. Processing that trauma can help you feel secure enough in your body to relax and surrender to pleasure.
2. You Struggle to Trust Your Partner—Even When They Haven’t Done Anything Wrong
If you feel hesitant, guarded, or uneasy with your partner—even when they’ve done nothing to break your trust—past sexual trauma might be resurfacing in response to the vulnerability of intimacy. This can be confusing for both you and your partner, but it’s not your fault. Trauma shapes our nervous system’s responses, often outside of our conscious awareness. The good news? Healing can help you feel safer in the present instead of being pulled back into the past.
3. You Feel Disconnected from Your Body
Sexual trauma, can make it hard to trust your own body. If your body responded to an unwanted or harmful experience with physical sensations, it may have left you feeling like your body betrayed you. This can create deep confusion and disconnection, making it difficult to listen to your body’s yes and no in the present. A huge part of enjoying sex is trusting your body—and when trauma has disrupted that trust, healing can help rebuild it.
4. You’ve Lost Interest in Sex
When sex is tied to painful memories or broken trust, it makes sense that your body and mind might shut down desire as a form of protection. But if you want to want sex with your partner—if you miss feeling excited about intimacy but just can’t seem to get there—it might be time to explore how past experiences are shaping your present.
5. You Struggle to Express Your Needs and Desires
Maybe you don’t know how to ask for what you want in bed. Maybe you’re not even sure what you want. Trauma can disrupt our sense of agency, making it hard to reconnect with personal desires. If sex has felt more about getting through it than truly experiencing it, healing can help you rediscover what feels good and safe for you.
The Good News: Sexual Trauma Can Be Healed
Sexual trauma doesn’t have to define your relationship with sex forever. Traumatic memories can be reprocessed, and the negative beliefs they left behind can be rewritten. Healing is possible.
I personally love using EMDR therapy to help people process trauma, especially sexual trauma. As a certified EMDR therapist and an AASECT-certified sex therapist, this work is my passion. If you have questions about what treatment might look like or how it could help, feel free to contact me here to set up a free 20-minute consultation.
You deserve a relationship with sex that feels safe, connected, and joyful. Healing can help you get there.
Need help right away? Check out these resources:
When Your Metamour is Pregnant…
Ethical Non-Monogamy, Therapy No Response
“My Metamour is pregnant…”
Having a baby is one of the most wild, beautiful, and transformative transitions in a person’s life. But when the new parent is your partner, and they’ve just had a baby with their nesting partner or another partner, it can stir up feelings you might not have expected. Let’s have an honest chat about all the things that might come up when your metamour is pregnant.
You might feel joy and compersion, but you might also feel fear, uncertainty, grief, or even anger. And then, there’s the guilt—guilt for not feeling purely happy, for struggling with change, for wondering how this baby will shift your place in your partner’s life. You might fear that your relationship will no longer hold the same importance, or you may realize that having a child in your polycule is something you never anticipated or wanted.
I’m writing this because there’s no real blueprint for how to navigate this transition as a metamour or a partner of new parents. It’s a huge life shift, and it deserves space for exploration and conversation.
Factors to Consider When Your Metamour is Pregnant
1. Your Own Attachment History Will Likely Be Activated
Just as having a baby stirs up attachment wounds and childhood experiences for the parents, it may bring up a lot for you as well—but in different ways. If you have unprocessed fears of abandonment, feelings of being unwanted, or struggles with self-worth, those wounds may resurface as the family dynamic shifts.
2. Couples Privilege & Nesting Privilege May Become More Apparent
Perhaps before the baby arrived, your polyamory felt more egalitarian or non-hierarchical. But now, you may see your partner less often, or when you do, they might be distracted—constantly checking their phone to make sure their baby and co-parent are okay. Even if no one intends to shift priorities, the reality of having a newborn can make relationships feel more structured or imbalanced.
Before the Baby Comes: Preparing for Change
1. Reflect on Your Own Feelings About Children
Take time to explore your personal feelings about children and your role in their lives. Do you want to be involved? What worries or desires do you have? What boundaries feel important? Make a list of questions, hopes, and fears to clarify your own thoughts before discussing them with your partner(s).
2. Initiate a Thoughtful Conversation
Depending on your relationship with your metamour, you might want to talk directly with your partner or with both of them together. A helpful way to frame this is:
“Making conscious choices is really important to me, and since a baby is coming into our lives, I want to make sure we’re all intentional about what that means for our relationships and our polycule. I’d love for us to be on the same page.”
Encourage your partners to reflect on this as well. If discussions feel difficult, consider bringing in a mediator or therapist to help facilitate these conversations.
3. Clarify Your Role
Are you interested in playing a role in this child’s life? Do your partners want that? If your desires don’t align, how will that impact your relationships? These can be tough conversations, but they’re much easier to navigate before the baby arrives rather than after.
4. Discuss What Postpartum Support Looks Like
Would you like to offer care to the birthing parent? Are they open to accepting it? Everyone’s postpartum needs are different, and clearly communicating desires and boundaries ahead of time can help avoid misalignment later.
After the Baby Comes: Navigating the Transition
1. Give Yourself Grace
If you’re experiencing jealousy, grief, or a mix of emotions beyond happiness and compersion, be kind to yourself. This is a major transition, and it’s normal to have complex feelings.
2. Attend to Your Own Triggers
Notice what’s coming up for you—old attachment wounds, fears, or insecurities. Speak to yourself with kindness and remind yourself that your emotions are valid. Seek support from friends, a therapist, or other polyamorous communities that understand these challenges.
3. Find Safe Outlets for Your Feelings
It may not be the right time to bring every concern to your partner, especially in the immediate postpartum period. The fourth trimester (the first three months after birth) can be overwhelming for all parents—hormonal shifts, postpartum mental health concerns, physical healing, and sleepless nights make it a particularly tender time. This doesn’t mean your feelings don’t matter, but it may help to process them with a therapist, friends, or other trusted support systems before discussing them with your partner.
4. Give Your Metamour Grace, Too
Your metamour is also going through an enormous transition. They might be overwhelmed, exhausted, and more emotionally raw than usual. While they don’t have to be perfect, and neither do you, a little extra compassion in this phase can go a long way.
Making Room for Complexity When Your Metamour is Pregnant
This can be a challenging time, but it can also be a beautiful one. The key is making space for all of it.
- This is hard, and it’s wondrous.
- I feel jealous, and I feel happy for them.
- I miss my partner, and I love seeing them become a parent.
- I didn’t choose this baby, and this baby is changing my life.
There is room for more than one truth. There is room for opposing truths.
If you or your polycule need support navigating big life changes like this, I offer a free 15-minute consultation to see if therapy might be helpful. You don’t have to figure this out alone.
Fairy Tale Series: Beauty and the Beast – A Metaphor for Shame
Ask any millennial parent, and they will tell you: watching childhood favorites with your kids as an adult can reveal surprising layers of meaning. Sitting through Disney’s Beauty and the Beast for the umpteenth time, it dawned on me that this classic story can be interpreted as a metaphor for the impact of shame. Hear me out:
The Prince, before he is turned into the Beast, is a young adolescent who makes a terrible error in judgment. He acts callously and shallowly toward a beggar woman—who, in a twist, turns out to be an enchantress. She punishes him by transforming him into a beast. From that moment forward, he is filled with profound shame about his appearance and, perhaps more importantly, the inner beastliness that his outer form now reflects. His shame leads him to isolate himself in his castle, creating a cycle of isolation and despair.
As a sex therapist, I see clear parallels between the Beast’s experience and what happens to people who feel ashamed of their deepest desires, fantasies, or kinks. Instead of accepting and embracing these aspects of themselves by finding community, sharing with a partner, or exploring in a way that feels safe, they often retreat into secrecy and isolation. This self-imposed isolation can lead to feelings of despair, disconnection, and even self-loathing.
Shame and Defensiveness: Lessons from Gaston
In contrast to the Beast is Gaston, who represents another way people cope with shame—by rejecting vulnerability altogether. Gaston is proudly arrogant and unashamed, but not in a healthy way. He only begins to feel shame when he is faced with rejection: the truth that the one woman he desires, Belle, does not want him. Instead of processing his hurt or vulnerability, he tries to manipulate her. When that fails, he becomes violent, unable to tolerate the feelings of rejection and inadequacy.
Gaston doubles down on his antisocial tendencies because acknowledging the truth—that he is hurt and sad—feels too scary and vulnerable. Where the Beast’s shame drives him to hide, Gaston’s fear of shame pushes him into destructive behaviors.
Overcoming Shame and Rebuilding Connection
And then we have Belle, who brings an entirely different energy to the story. Belle spends an entire song lamenting her boredom and longing for a more interesting life, only to find herself held captive in an enchanted castle with a beast. (Someone should have told her to be careful what she wishes for!)
But in this context, Belle represents curiosity and openness—qualities that are crucial when working through shame. Instead of reacting to the Beast with fear or disgust, she approaches him with curiosity. Over time, she helps him see that he is more than just his outward appearance. This mirrors the therapeutic process, where curiosity and compassion allow people to confront their shame, reframe their experiences, and move toward acceptance.
Healing Shame: From Isolation to Connection
The story of Beauty and the Beast illustrates two common responses to shame: isolation (the Beast) and defensiveness (Gaston). Both lead to disconnection and despair. The antidote to shame is connection—whether that’s finding a supportive community, opening up to a trusted partner, or working with a therapist who can help untangle those feelings of unworthiness.
In therapy, I help clients recognize and explore the parts of themselves they may have hidden away out of fear or shame. Whether it’s a sexual desire, a past experience, or a deeply held belief about their worth, the goal is to approach these parts with compassion rather than judgment. Much like Belle helps the Beast see beyond his monstrous form, therapy can help individuals see beyond the labels they’ve attached to themselves and move toward a more integrated, accepting self.
How Therapy Helps You Overcome Shame
If you’ve ever felt like you had to hide parts of yourself because they felt too “unacceptable,” you’re not alone. Shame can make us feel isolated, disconnected, and unworthy of love or connection. But just like the Beast’s transformation begins when he starts to connect with Belle, healing often begins when we allow ourselves to be seen and accepted.
Curious how therapy might help you confront shame and move toward connection? Reach out for a free consultation. I’d love to explore how we can work together to help you feel more at home with yourself.
Stay tuned for more in the Fairy Tale Series, where we explore classic stories through the lens of emotional health, relationships, and personal growth.
The Early Messages We Get About Sex: Are They Blocking You From Better Sex?
Couples Counseling, Sex, Therapy No Response
Have you ever stopped to think about the messages you absorbed about sex when you were growing up? Whether those messages came from parents, teachers, friends, or even media like pornography, they leave a lasting imprint. These early influences shape how we approach intimacy, relationships, and even our understanding of our own bodies as adults. As a sex therapist, I see the profound ways these foundational experiences ripple through people’s lives—and I’m here to help untangle them and guide you toward better sex.
Where Do We Learn About Sex?
For many people, sex education—if it happened at all—was limited to the basics: anatomy, reproduction, and maybe a warning about sexually transmitted infections (STIs). Conversations about pleasure, consent, or emotional intimacy were often absent. In these voids, many turn to media like pornography to fill in the blanks. Unfortunately, pornography often becomes the most common, yet deeply flawed, form of sex education.
The issue isn’t just about what porn shows but what it leaves out. Porn rarely teaches communication, emotional connection, or the realities of a healthy intimacy Instead, it creates unrealistic expectations, focusing on performance over connection, and can leave people feeling confused or inadequate in their own relationships.
The Messages We Absorb
Here are some common themes people internalize from their early experiences with sex education (or lack thereof):
1. Silence Equals Shame: If intimacy was never openly discussed, it’s easy to internalize that it’s something to be ashamed of. This can make it difficult to communicate openly with a partner.
2. Sexuality as Performance: Pornography often reinforces the idea that sex is about looking or acting a certain way rather than focusing on mutual pleasure and connection.
3. Gendered Expectations: Many people grow up with stereotypes about how men and women “are supposed to” approach sex, which can create pressure and misunderstandings in relationships.
4. Lack of Emotional Connection: Without guidance on how sex can be an intimate, emotional experience, some may struggle to connect it with love and vulnerability.
How These Messages Impact Adult Relationships
These early lessons often manifest in adulthood in surprising ways. For example, someone who grew up with silence around sex may struggle to express their desires or boundaries in a relationship. Those who internalized the idea that intimacy is about performance might experience anxiety, avoidance, or dissatisfaction. And individuals who relied on porn for education may find themselves grappling with unrealistic expectations about what a fulfilling sex life looks like.
When these unhelpful narratives go unexamined, they can become roadblocks to intimacy, leading to frustration, shame, or disconnection with a partner.
Rewriting the Narrative and Enjoying Better Sex 
The good news is that these patterns aren’t set in stone. With intentional effort and support, it’s possible to unlearn harmful messages and replace them with healthier, more empowering beliefs about sex and intimacy. Here’s how:
1. Reflect on Your Early Influences: Take time to think about the messages you received about sexuality growing up. Who or what shaped your understanding? How do those messages show up in your current relationships?
2. Seek Accurate Information: Educate yourself about sexuality in ways that emphasize communication, emotional connection, and mutual pleasure. Books, workshops, and resources grounded in sex-positive, inclusive frameworks can be a great start.
3. Challenge Shame: Practice talking about what happens in the bedroom openly with your partner or a trusted professional. The more you normalize these conversations, the less power shame will have.
4. Rebuild Intimacy: Work on cultivating emotional intimacy with your partner. This might mean learning to express your needs, setting boundaries, or simply exploring what makes you feel most connected and safe.
How Sex Therapy Can Help
If you’ve found yourself struggling with intimacy, you’re not alone. As a sex therapist, I help people explore these early messages, process how they’ve impacted their lives, and work toward creating a fulfilling and connected intimate relationship. Therapy provides a safe space to uncover blocks, heal from shame, and build a deeper connection with yourself and your partner—key steps on the journey to better sex.
Your early messages about sex don’t have to define your future. Together, we can rewrite your story to embrace intimacy, vulnerability, and joy.
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If this resonates with you or you’re ready to take the next step in your journey, reach out. Let’s start the conversation and help you discover what’s possible.
Looking for more insights on intimacy and connection? Explore my other blog posts or contact me to learn how sex therapy can transform your relationship.
Unsure if you have been influenced negatively by pornography? Check out this blog on 10 signs that your sex life is being subconsciously influenced by watching pornography.
10 Signs Porn Is Messing Up Your Sex Life
10 Signs That Your Sex Life Is Being Subconsciously Influenced by Watching Pornography
Pornography is everywhere. It’s easy to access, normalized in pop culture, and for many, it’s one of the first exposures to sexual imagery and ideas. But what happens when those experiences watching porn sneak their way into our real-life relationships and sex lives—without us even realizing it? As a sex therapist, I often work with people who are unknowingly carrying subconscious influences from pornography into their intimate lives, and those patterns can have a big impact.
A Note About Pornography
Porn, like many things, is not necessarily a bad thing. It’s a tool that can be used in healthy and unhealthy ways. Ethically-made pornography can be tantalizing art, a complement to your intimate moments, and a way to supplement self-pleasure. The problem comes when it gets in the way of intimacy and connection. For resources on ethically-made pornography, check out:
Here are 10 signs that porn might be shaping your sex life in ways you’ve never considered:
1. You Feel Pressure to Perform
Does sex feel like a performance instead of an intimate connection? Pornography often portrays sex as a scripted act, where everyone looks and moves a certain way. If you find yourself feeling pressure to “do it right” or to look perfect, you’re not alone. This mindset can create anxiety and take you out of the moment, making it harder to connect with your partner.
2. Your Expectations Are Unrealistic
Porn sets up some pretty wild ideas about what sex should look like. From exaggerated body types to endless stamina and screaming orgasms, these portrayals are far from the realities of human connection. If you’ve caught yourself feeling dissatisfied because reality doesn’t match up to what you’ve seen on-screen, it might be time to reevaluate those expectations.
3. You’ve Become Detached from Your Partner
Sex in porn is often purely physical, with little focus on emotional connection. If you’ve started to feel distant from your partner during intimacy, or if sex feels more mechanical than emotional, this could be a sign that your brain is leaning too heavily on what it’s learned from porn.
4. You Struggle to Communicate About Sex
Porn doesn’t teach us how to talk about sex—it just shows people doing it. If you feel unsure how to express your needs, desires, or boundaries, you’re not alone. Learning to communicate openly about sex can feel challenging, especially if your primary “sex education” didn’t include any dialogue at all.
5. You’re Experiencing Disconnects in Desire
Porn often portrays sex as spontaneous, constant, and always available. In real life, desire ebbs and flows. If you’ve noticed frustration or confusion because your partner’s libido doesn’t match the on-demand availability you’ve seen in porn, it’s worth exploring how those expectations might be affecting your relationship.
6. You Feel the Need to Keep Upping the Ante for Sex to Feel Exciting
Pornography often thrives on novelty, constantly introducing new scenarios and extremes. If you find that it’s hard to feel excited during sex unless there’s something “new” or “shocking” involved, this could be a sign that porn has rewired your sense of arousal.
7. You Feel Like You Are Watching Yourself Instead of Being Present in the Moment
If you find yourself more focused on how you look or perform during sex rather than experiencing it, this might be a sign that you’re subconsciously influenced by the performative nature of pornography. This can take you out of the moment and hinder genuine connection.
8. You Wish Your Partner Would Read Your Mind
Porn often skips over the communication that makes real-life intimacy work. If you’re frustrated because your partner doesn’t automatically know what you want or need in bed, it might be time to work on open communication rather than relying on unspoken cues.
9. You Have No Idea How to Interact with Your Partner After Sex
If you feel a sense of awkwardness or disconnection once sex is over, it could be a sign that porn has shaped your understanding of intimacy as beginning and ending with the act itself. Real intimacy involves more than just physicality—it’s about emotional connection and ongoing communication.
10. You Feel Self-Conscious and Critical About Yourself
Porn’s portrayal of “perfect” bodies and performances can lead to feelings of inadequacy or self-criticism in real-life intimacy. If you find yourself overly focused on your perceived flaws during sex, this could be a sign of subconscious influence from pornography.
How to Reclaim Your Intimacy
The good news? You can rewrite these patterns and create a more connected, fulfilling sex life. Here are a few steps to get started:
- Reflect on What You’ve Learned Take a moment to think about what you’ve absorbed from watching pornography. What beliefs or expectations have stuck with you? How do they compare to the reality of your relationships?
- Focus on Connection Shift the focus from performance to connection. Explore what feels good emotionally and physically for both you and your partner, rather than trying to recreate something you’ve seen on a screen.
- Open the Lines of Communication Start having conversations about sex. Share your desires, listen to your partner, and create a safe space to talk about what works for both of you. It might feel awkward at first, but open communication is the foundation of a healthy sex life.
- Seek Support if You Need It If you’re finding it hard to break free from these patterns on your own, working with a sex therapist can make a world of difference. Therapy provides a judgment-free space to explore your relationship with sex and intimacy, helping you create the fulfilling connection you deserve.
Embrace the Real Thing
Pornography might be a part of your story, but it doesn’t have to define your sex life. By recognizing its subconscious influence and taking steps to reconnect with yourself and your partner, you can embrace a sex life that’s authentic, satisfying, and deeply connected.
If this resonates with you, or if you’re curious about how sex therapy can help, reach out. You deserve a sex life that’s about more than just physicality—one that’s rooted in real intimacy and joy.
How Past Sexual Trauma Might Be Holding Your Relationship Back—And How Therapy Can Help
Self Help, Sex, Therapy No Response
How Past Sexual Trauma Might Be Holding Your Relationship Back—And How Therapy Can Help
For many people, past sexual trauma can cast a long shadow, not only on their personal well-being but also on their relationships. Intimacy may feel challenging, vulnerability might feel unsafe, and even a loving partner can seem distant when old wounds remain unhealed. If this resonates with you, know that you’re not alone, and there is a path toward healing.
At my practice, I work with people who are ready to reclaim their confidence, reconnect with themselves and their partners, and move toward a more fulfilling, joyful life. Using a blend of sex therapy and trauma-focused techniques like EMDR, we can address the past so it no longer controls your present.
How Past Sexual Trauma Affects Your Relationship
Sexual trauma can impact relationships in subtle and profound ways. Some of the common challenges include:
- Difficulty with Intimacy: Physical closeness might trigger discomfort, fear, or avoidance. Even small gestures like a partner’s touch can bring up complicated emotions.
- Feeling Disconnected: Trauma can create barriers to emotional closeness, making it harder to trust, open up, or feel truly connected. Additionally, trauma can also make it hard to feel in touch with your body.
- Anxiety and Shame: Lingering feelings of shame or self-blame can cause anxiety around sex or relationships, even when you deeply care about your partner.
- Negative Beliefs: Trauma can plant seeds of self-doubt, like “I’m not lovable” or “I’ll never feel safe again,” which limit your ability to show up fully in your relationship.
These challenges aren’t a reflection of your worth or your love—they’re signs that your nervous system is still holding onto past pain. The good news is, therapy offers tools to help you release that pain and move forward.
How Therapy Can Help You Heal and Reconnect 
Therapy provides a safe, supportive space to address the impact of trauma on your body, mind, and relationships. My approach combines trauma-informed sex therapy and EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing), a powerful method for processing and healing trauma. Here’s how it can help:
- Releasing the Emotional Weight of Trauma: EMDR helps you process past experiences, reducing their emotional intensity so they no longer trigger fear, shame, or discomfort.
- Rebuilding Trust and Safety: Therapy gently guides you to reconnect with yourself and your body, learning to feel safe and grounded again.
- Shifting Negative Beliefs: Together, we challenge and reframe beliefs like “I’m broken” or “I don’t deserve love,” replacing them with compassion, strength, and self-worth.
- Restoring Intimacy: With the emotional weight lifted, you can begin to experience intimacy as something joyful, connected, and fulfilling.
Your Relationship Is Worth It
Your healing matters. In fact, when you take the time to nurture yourself, the ripple effects touch every aspect of your life—your confidence, your relationships, your ability to experience pleasure, and your overall well-being. Therapy isn’t just about addressing the past; it’s about creating the future you deserve.
Take the First Step Toward Healing
If past sexual trauma is holding you back, you don’t have to navigate it alone. My practice offers a warm, nonjudgmental space to grow and reconnect. Together, we can work toward the intimacy, joy, and love you deserve.
You’re not broken. You’re capable of healing. And your story isn’t over.
Reach out today to schedule a session and take the first step toward reclaiming your life, your relationships, and your sense of self.
Breaking the Stigma Around Erectile Dysfunction
Couples Counseling, Sex, Therapy No Response
Erectile dysfunction (ED) is more common than many people realize, yet it’s often a topic shrouded in shame and silence. If you’ve been struggling with ED, you’re not alone, and there is hope. At my practice, we offer a compassionate and supportive space for individuals and couples in Connecticut to break through the stigma of erectile dysfunction. Using a blend of sex therapy techniques and EMDR, we gently address the root causes and guide you toward healing and connection.
Understanding Erectile Dysfunction
Erectile dysfunction refers to the consistent difficulty in achieving or maintaining an erection sufficient for sexual activity. While occasional difficulties are normal, ongoing challenges can affect self-esteem, relationships, and overall well-being. It’s important to remember that ED is not just a physical issue; it often has psychological and emotional layers, such as stress, anxiety, or unresolved trauma. I always encourage my clients to visit their Primary Care Physician before starting sex therapy to rule out any medical conditions.
Why Stigma Makes It Harder
Cultural norms and societal expectations can make it hard to discuss ED openly. Many men feel pressured to equate their sexual performance with their self-worth and their masculinity, which can lead to feelings of inadequacy and isolation. This stigma often creates a barrier to seeking help, leaving individuals to navigate these challenges alone. But reaching out is the first step toward reclaiming your confidence and restoring intimacy in your relationships.
How Sex Therapy Can Help
Sex therapy provides a warm, nonjudgmental space to explore and address sexual concerns. At my practice in Connecticut, I tailor sessions to your unique needs, helping you uncover and work through the mental and emotional factors contributing to ED. Through open and supportive conversations, we can reduce the weight of shame and anxiety, creating a path toward a fulfilling and joyful sex life.
The Role of EMDR in Treating Erectile Dysfunction
Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) is a gentle yet effective therapeutic approach that addresses trauma and deeply held negative beliefs. For many individuals, past experiences may have created anxiety or self-doubt around sexual performance. EMDR helps process and reframe these experiences, reducing their emotional impact and allowing you to approach intimacy with renewed confidence and ease.
When combined with sex therapy, EMDR provides a holistic and nurturing approach to treating ED. Together, these methods address both the psychological and emotional aspects, empowering you to rebuild your sexual health and satisfaction.
Why Seeking Support Matters
If you’re facing ED, you don’t have to face it alone. Reaching out for support is a brave and empowering choice—one that shows your commitment to yourself and your relationships. Working with a therapist who understands the complexities of ED can help you rediscover a sense of control, connection, and joy in your intimate life.
Get Started Today
Taking the first step toward healing can feel daunting, but you don’t have to do it alone. My practice in Connecticut offers a welcoming and supportive environment where we can work together to break the stigma around erectile dysfunction. With a personalized plan that incorporates sex therapy and EMDR, we’ll move toward healing at a pace that feels right for you.
You deserve a fulfilling and connected intimate life. Let’s take that first step together. Contact me today to schedule a session and learn how we can begin this journey toward confidence and connection.
How to Connect Sexually with Your Partner During the Holiday Hustle
…it’s the most wonderful time of the year (but maybe not for your sexual connection)
The holidays are here: a time for twinkling lights, endless to-do lists, and seeing family you may have avoided during the rest of the year. While the season is supposed to be about joy and togetherness, for many couples, it’s a time when intimacy takes a back seat. Between the office parties, travel plans, gift shopping, and managing family dynamics (yes, Aunt Linda, we know who you voted for), improving the sexual connection with your partner might feel like just one more thing on your overstuffed plate. But it doesn’t have to be that way.
Here are some ideas to help you stay connected—and even deepen intimacy—with your partner this holiday season:
1. Redefine Intimacy for the Season
First, take a deep breath and let go of any pressure to make intimacy look a certain way right now. Maybe you’re not going to have the steamy, candlelit nights of your dreams when you’re hosting your in-laws and sleeping in your childhood bedroom. But intimacy doesn’t have to be perfect to be meaningful. A quick, shared laugh in the kitchen or a slow, warm kiss before bed can go a long way in keeping you connected.
2. Prioritize “Us Time”
Between juggling social events and Netflix holiday movie marathons (yes, Love Actually is my guilty pleasure), it’s easy to forget about carving out time for just the two of you. Make a point to schedule even 15 minutes a day to check in with your partner. Whether it’s a cozy cuddle, a shared shower, or a playful moment after the kids go to bed, these small pockets of time can rekindle intimacy.
3. Talk About It
Holidays are a great time to practice open communication about what you both need. Are you craving more touch, but your partner’s been so stressed they’ve forgotten how to hug? Or maybe they’re feeling a little overwhelmed trying to pay off the holiday credit card bills? Have an honest, nonjudgmental conversation about your desires and what’s getting in the way of connecting right now. Remember: talking about sex isn’t unsexy; it’s actually one of the keys to a better sex life.
4. Lighten the Load (Literally)
Let’s be honest—it’s hard to feel sexy when your brain is cluttered with thoughts about holiday meal prep or whether you remembered to move the Elf on the Shelf. Take some tasks off your plate, or better yet, delegate them. (The Elf doesn’t need to be zip-lining across your living room; sitting on a shelf is literally its job.) Lightening your mental load can free up space for intimacy and pleasure.
5. Get Playful
The holidays are a time of magic and wonder—so why not bring a little playfulness into your sex life? Share your silliest holiday fantasies (matching elf outfits, anyone?) or try something new that’s low-pressure and fun. Sometimes, laughter can be the best aphrodisiac.
6. Create a Ritual
In the midst of all the chaos, create a small, intentional ritual just for the two of you. Maybe it’s a nightly hot cocoa date where you talk about your favorite moments of the day, or a “no phones after 8 p.m.” rule to focus on each other. These rituals don’t have to be elaborate, but they can help you reconnect and stay present.
7. Remember: Sexual Connection Is a Gift
The holidays can feel like a sprint to the finish line, but intimacy isn’t a task to check off your list. It’s a gift you give each other, one that can bring you closer and remind you why you’re navigating this hectic season together.
This holiday season, give yourself permission to slow down, laugh a little, and find moments of connection with your partner—no matter how big or small. Because sometimes the best gifts aren’t under the tree—they’re the ones you create together.
Ready to deepen your sexual connection? Let’s talk. Schedule a session with me to explore how you can nurture intimacy and build a stronger relationship all year round.
EMDR for Painful Sex
Couples Counseling, Sex, Therapy No Response
Painful Sex?
If sex is one of the most natural things in our world, why is dealing with painful sex so common? I’m a Certified Sex Therapist and I talk with people every day about sex. For women or people with vaginas, painful sex can be devastating. Folks who have intercourse with someone who is experiencing pain is also a difficult experience. Unless it’s a specific kink, most people have a hard time feeling turned on when their partner is in pain.
Why is pain during sex so common?
I have my (non-double blind study) theories. Many people who were brought up and socialized as women were not taught or encouraged to get to know our bodies in an intimate way. By the time a woman is ready to have sex, they might not have enough carnal knowledge of themselves to be able to ask for what they want. This can result in having penetrative sex before they are aroused enough which can be painful.
Sexual trauma or just bad sexual experiences can live in our bodies and that makes intimacy a reminder of bad (or dangerous) sex. That anxiety can cause muscle tension and pain. This can be especially upsetting when you’re in a loving relationship and your partner doesn’t understand why sex doesn’t feel good.
How can therapy help?
I like using a combination of EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) and Sex Therapy tools to help my clients enjoy sex and improve conditions like vaginismus and genito-pelvic pain/ penetration disorder.
What does treatment for painful sex look like?
First I always suggest my clients see a Pelvic Floor Physical Therapist. These professionals are EXPERTS on this part of your body and can assess what is going on both internally and externally. This helps us rule out any physical issues.
In therapy, we spend some time getting to know each other and learning about your sexual history and anything that might have happened in your life to contribute to this current pain. The cool thing about EMDR is that we don’t need to talk about the details unless you want to.
EMDR is an evidence-based body-mind therapy that uses the bilateral stimulation of your brain to help process and heal trauma. You can learn more about it here: Learn About EMDR and you can read about why I love EMDR here.
So we use EMDR to address any associated trauma and simultaneously I’ll work with your Pelvic Floor Physical Therapist to give you mindfulness exercises to do at home to help reduce anxiety and pain.
Can I come with my partner?
Absolutely! It’s wonderful when partners want to be a part of treatment. In this case, I can give you and your partner exercises to do together at home to reduce anxiety around sex, decrease pain, and improve intimacy. When we meet for therapy, we’ll discuss your experience at home and process any difficulties that may have come up!
Have questions? Contact me and we can set up a free 15 minute phone call and I can answer all of your questions!
The Importance of Being Seen in Relationships
Couples Counseling, Sex No Response
It’s a common experience to feel like you’re not fully seen for who you truly are in a relationship, and it can be incredibly frustrating and lonely. This is especially true when it comes to being seen and loved for being yourself sexually. I’d love to share some thoughts with you about the importance of being seen in relationships.
Being Seen in Relationships
The ability to be vulnerable and authentic with your partner is at the heart of a healthy relationship. It’s about being able to share your true thoughts, feelings, desires, and fears without fear of judgment or rejection. When you feel seen and accepted for who you are, you can build a deep and meaningful connection with your partner.
On the other hand, when you don’t feel seen for who you are in your relationship, it can lead to feelings of insecurity, resentment, and disconnection. You may find yourself hiding certain parts of yourself or putting on a mask to please your partner, but ultimately, this can be exhausting and unsustainable. And it can ruin your sex life because vulnerability is a key to intimacy.
Here are a few more reasons why to it is important to be seen in your relationship:
- Authenticity and Vulnerability leads to intimacy: When you’re able to be your true self with your partner, it opens the door to true intimacy. It allows you to build a deep and meaningful connection based on honesty and vulnerability.
- It builds trust: When your partner sees you for who you truly are and accepts you, it builds trust in the relationship. It allows you to feel safe and secure in the knowledge that you can be yourself without fear of judgment or rejection.
- It promotes growth and self-awareness: Being seen for who you truly are can also help you grow and become more self-aware. When you’re able to express your thoughts, feelings, and desires, it allows you to reflect on them and gain a deeper understanding of yourself.
So, how can you foster an environment where you and your partner feel seen and understood? Here are a few tips:
- Practice active listening: When your partner is speaking, make a conscious effort to really listen to what they’re saying. Avoid interrupting or jumping in with your own thoughts and instead focus on understanding their perspective.
- Be non-judgmental: Avoid making assumptions or judgments about your partner’s thoughts, feelings, or desires. Instead, ask questions and seek to understand where they’re coming from. Be curious!
- Express yourself honestly: Be willing to share your own thoughts, feelings, and desires with your partner. It can be scary to be vulnerable, but it’s essential for building a deep and meaningful connection.
- Practice empathy: Try to put yourself in your partner’s shoes and understand their perspective. This can help you build a deeper understanding and connection with them.
Remember, being seen for who you truly are in your relationships is an essential component of a healthy and fulfilling relationship. It takes time and effort to build this kind of connection, but the rewards are immeasurable. If you’re wondering if seeing a sex therapist can help you feel more comfortable in your own skin, feel free to reach out to me here.