Permission to Play
Yesterday was Halloween. A magical time at the end of October where the veil thins and adults let themselves dress up in costume, enjoy stuffing their faces with candy, and do something very unusual.
I’m referring to the wonderful phenomenon of play.
I noticed something very inspiring on the Friday before Halloween and I really wanted to share it with you. I supervise an amazing group of clinicians and case managers who do beautiful work with families and children. The work is hard. It can challenging and some days can feel like they’ll never end. But despite the difficulty of the job, on Friday there was a playful charm around our office. The staff were all in costume. People were joking and laughing.
Everyone was connecting to each other in a profound and silly way.
Perhaps it’s because Halloween gives us permission to play. But honesty, why do we need permission to play? And who do we need permission from?
Many people stop playing when they reach adolescence. I believe that is a sad thing. Play is healthy and fun and absolutely vital to wellbeing. I began to think- how much better would work be if we played everyday, and not just on Halloween. I think I’ll wear a purple wig more often 🙂
How can you bring more play into your life?
Why Do We Wear Social Masks? And How to Tear Off the Mask and Be Your Authentic Self
Life Improvement, Self Discovery No Response
Happy Halloween!!!
Halloween is a favorite holiday for many adults and children alike. We all love the playful notion of dressing up like someone we are not. Thinking about costumes and masks reminded me of the difficulty many people have removing their social masks.
Social Masks are a way to conceal your true, authentic self from the world and most people have one or more social mask that they often wear. There is nothing wrong with having a mask. Afterall the concept of the mask in theatre comes from embodying that which is not understood or that is unlike ourselves. The problem occurs when the mask refuses to be removed.
Why Do We Wear Social Masks?
1. Fear of being seen. People hide behind their costumed identity. This is because being truly seen by others puts one in a very vulnerable state. People may associate being seen with feeling exposed, misunderstood, unsafe, or open to threats. Being seen without your mask can feel like showing up naked to chemistry class. The problem is, when you don’t remove the mask, the people you want to love you will never see the real you. And then, who are they loving afterall?
2. Fear of rejection Another reason one might keep wearing a mask is that once removed, there is a chance of rejection. This is a real fear. The important thing to remember is that if someone is rejecting you- the real, maskless you- that is actually a blessing. That opens you up to meet people who want you without the mask. It saves you from needing a permanent mask to be with this person.
3. Fear of getting hurt Along with rejection, the fear of getting hurt is a major reason for keeping that mask on. The mask can make the hurt seem less intense, it can hide your feelings, and in the end, it’s not you being hurt- it’s the mask.
For all the good reasons that we keep social masks on, the benefits of taking it off are tenfold. There’s nothing better than being your true, authentic, maskless self.
How to Tear Off the Mask and Be your Authentic Self
1. Find a passion If you know what makes you wildly excited, do it. If nothing makes you feel that way spend time exploring. Find something that fills your soul with happiness. Don’t pick something that makes others happy or that makes your mask happy. Some examples from my friends: photography, suspension rope art, mediation, tantra, hiking, writing about sex, being with family…
2. Find the love for yourself.You need to love yourself without the mask in order to keep it off. Some people find that starting a gratitude journal is a great way to show love for yourself. Others need to explore in therapy barriers to truly loving themselves.
3. Get some support Tell your friends you are doing this difficult work! Ask them to support you in any way that would help. Become a part of a larger community. Go to a support or therapy group.
4. Practice If you’ve lived most of your life in a social mask, taking it off will take time. Tell yourself it’s ok to practice. It’s all right to take it off for a little while and put it back on to recharge. Be easy with yourself. It’s ok if this doesn’t happen over night.
On a final note, drama therapists know firsthand the freedom that wearing a mask can bring a person. Many people can say or do things in costume that they wouldn’t do otherwise. Use your mask to try out different possibilities and then, take it off and see what your authentic self truly desires.
Why do we pick certain masks? I’ll discuss that in the near future!
Finding a Sex-Positive Therapist
Couples Counseling, Therapy No Response
Finding a therapist who is a good fit can be a challenge. This task becomes even harder when you’re seeking a therapist who is sex-positive. I was recently having a discussion about tips and tricks to find a sex-positive therapist and thought I’d share them with you!
It is imperative that when you seek out a therapist that you feel comfortable being yourself. That means that you shouldn’t have to hide who you are. It also helps to have a therapist who knows about different lifestyles so that you don’t need to spend your time educating them. That said, everyone’s experiences are different, so even sex-positive therapists should be open to new ideas, definitions, and lifestyles.
1. Shop around! Check out the Kink Aware Professionals list for therapists in your area. https://ncsfreedom.org/resources/kink-aware-profess… If there is no one in your area, google your town with words like kink-aware or poly friendly. Also check out www.psychologytoday.com and notice the therapists that list sexuality as a specialty.
2. Of course, just because someone says they are sex positive, it doesn’t mean that you will click or that they are the right fit for you. Make a list of 3-4 therapists and give them a call.
3. Interview them on the phone and make a list of questions to ask. Notice how comfortable they seem on the phone with you. Do they seem empathetic? Are they asking reflective questions? Are they truly listening? Here are some ideas for questions…
- What does sex-positivity mean to you?
- Do you have experience working with people who live alternative lifestyles or practice diverse forms of sexuality?
- What are your specialities?
- Tell me about the therapeutic approach you take. ie. are you strength-based, into cognitive-behavioral therapy, do you give practical advice, do you focus on the past more than the present, etc.
- Why do you like what you do?
4. Make an initial appointment and meet the therapist. Trust your gut! If you don’t click with this person, there is nothing wrong with finding a new therapist. Your therapist should not make you feel judged, give you canned responses, or blame your issues on your lifestyle.
For a longer and absolutely wonderful guide- check out this link:
https://ncsfreedom.org/images/stories/pdfs/KAP/kap_…
The Top 10 Psychological Reasons People Have Trouble Making Changes
Most people seek out therapy or coaching because there is something in their world they want to change. Making that call or sending that email is a great first step. Change can be really tough. Whether you are trying to make a relationship work, working on having a more positive outlook, or attempting another seemingly huge lifestyle change, it is rarely an easy feat. Based on my work with people trying to make positive changes in their lives, I’ve compiled a list of why it’s so difficult…
10. Habits are hard to break. You are set in your ways. You know what you like and what you hate. If you have been doing the same thing, every day, for the last 10 years, it’s going to feel impossible to change that habit. Mind you, it’s not impossible, but it takes actual work to break the old, bad habits. In fact, sometimes we have habits that we don’t even know are habits until we stop doing them. That’s why making small changes at first often leads to greater success.
9. You are not yet convinced it will make life better. Even if your gut is telling you to leave an abusive relationship or try to change careers, until you see some results it’s tough to convince yourself that the change will make life better. Maybe you have tried therapy before, and it has not worked yet. It’s tough to muster up the strength to try again if there is no guarantee it will work out. Sometimes you need a little bit of faith until changes become apparent. If you don’t take that leap of faith, you’ll never know.
8. Feeling sorry for yourself. You feel awful. You’re depressed. You can’t deal with your kid. You hate your job. It is so easy to wallow in feeling crappy about yourself. There’s almost a comfort in the devil you already know. It’s not easy to get out of that rut, especially when it becomes a habit ( see #10). But feeling sorry for yourself is almost like digging yourself into a deep hole. It may be nice and cool, and it protects you from the outside world, but it’s near impossible to get out of, and no one wants to follow you down.
7. It’s Hard. And it takes time. There are very few lifestyle changes that produce results overnight. You have to show up. The feelings that come up aren’t always pleasant. Facing yourself is not easy. They say anything worth doing is going to be hard, and I agree. You know what makes anything easier? Company. That brings me to #6.
6. You are doing it alone. Trying to make a big change alone makes it even more difficult. You might already be feeling isolated because of whatever your life has thrown at you. You are already in the hole we discussed in #8, and you probably feel alone. The last thing you need is to attempt something difficult all by yourself. Have friends join you, or at least cheer you on. Find a kick ass therapist who will run into the fire WITHyou. Do a fitness challenge with your best friend. Join an online community. Find a parenting group. Do anything to find some support in this change.
5. Fear of Failure. This is a tough one because most people are, deep down, afraid to fail. Your inner voice might be saying, “Hey, if you try and fail, you are a failure. You don’t wanna be a failure now do you?” The thing is if you don’t give it your all, you’ll never know. And yes, you can walk away thinking that you didn’t fail, but your problem will still be there. I know I’d rather fail and try again than be afraid to even give it a go.
4.You don’t know another way. This one is similar to #10 regarding habits, but it’s a little more ingrained in who you are as a person. You’ve been raised a certain way, taught things implicitly and explicitly by your parents, and as a result you behave in a certain manner. The way you were treated in your formative years has so much to do with who you eventually become. It’s almost like your upbringing puts blinders on your eyes. A different option may have never even crossed your mind. Imagine a Dad who was allowed to cry himself to sleep when he was an infant because his parents did not want to “spoil him.” Now, this Dad might have difficulty making the change to soothe his child because letting the baby cry is just what you do. No one taught him another way.
3. Secondary Benefits. This one is a bit controversial. This is a disclaimer for anyone who might be offended by this. There are secondary benefits to many problems and most people are not consciously aware of them. I am not saying that people want to have issues to get secondary benefits, but that the benefits come naturally. For example, imagine a Mom is having such a hard time with her daughter because she tantrums violently. Because of this, her husband who works late hours comes home early to help her calm the daughter down. The Mom is therefore happy that her husband is home, and something inside her knows that if she was to stop the tantrums, her husband would continue to work late.
2. Avoidance. The problem you are having might remind you of something bad that happened to you, and the natural response would be to avoid thinking about it. It could be anything from a rude comment about your body in the 6th grade or something like abuse or neglect. Avoidance is a symptom of trauma related disorders, but can impact you even if you have not suffered a major trauma. Avoidance keeps you from visiting a therapist and deciding to change your lifestyle. It stops you from listening to your instincts and changing careers. It can even stop you from being the kind of parent you want to be.
1. It’s a Defense. Getting hurt sucks. Sometimes it sucks so much that we use our problematic behavior as a defense. The walls people built to protect themselves are strong and sturdy. They are built so well, that making any kind of change is so scary that it feels almost impossible. The walls don’t let the bad stuff in, and they protect you, sort of, but they don’t let the good in either. This means that when anyone tries to remove a brick from the wall (a well-meaning friend, a fitness coach, a therapist), the defense needs to get stronger in order not to change and risk getting hurt. The defense can be the inner voice inside our heads telling us we cannot do it, or that we do not deserve it, or it can seem like it’s protecting you by saying, “Stay inside, or you will get hurt again.” A very sad example would be a woman who was sexually abused as a child and therefore has gained so much weight to make sure no one would invade her space and hurt her again. In that case, losing the weight could be terrifying, and I would strongly recommend seeing a therapist to help guide such a big change.
Can you think of anymore?