As a sex therapist in CT, I see many loving parents who haven’t felt intimate since becoming parents. There are obvious culprits—no sleep, hormones, stress, postpartum mood shifts, feeling touched out—but there’s another factor that often surprises people: parenting style.

What’s your parenting style?

Have you been asked this yet? While Tik Tok and the endless scroll might continue to create new names and subtypes, there are generally 4 broad styles of parenting that most parents fall into: Authoritative, Authoritarian, Permissive, and Neglectful. If you belong to a parenting Facebook group or sub-reddit, I’m sure you’ve seen the rabbit holes parents go down defending their parenting style.

So what does this have to do with sex?

Parenting differences can get in the way of sexual connection. Moreover, misunderstanding parenting styles can lead to conflict, feeling unseen and unheard, and can cause an even deeper wedge in between you. And for couples with desire discrepancy, misunderstanding your partner’s parenting style can make that mismatch worse.

So… what IS your parenting style?

Authoritative

Parents strive to be warm, nurturing, and  respectful, and also value clear boundaries, limits, and natural consequences. Parents model emotional regulation, self-awareness, and honesty.

They may sound like:

“Hey sweetheart, I see that you’re really upset at me right now. It’s okay to be angry, but it’s not ok to hit.”

“I’m not going to let you hit your sister. I’m going to separate you because it’s my job to keep you safe.”

When experts talk about gentle parenting or respectful parenting, this is the style they are referring to.

Studies show that children raised by parents who are authoritative grow up feeling confident, less aggressive, have higher self esteem, and do better socially and academically.

Authoritarian

Parents prioritize following rules and exceeding expectations over an open and nurturing relationship. Rules are often not up for negotiation, and breaking rules leads to punishment (and not always in ways that match the rule that was broken). 

They may sounds like:

“I’ll give you something to cry about…”

“You got a B in math? You’re grounded for a month. Go to your room.”

While children with authoritarian parents may seem well-behaved, it mostly comes from fear and those children often grow up with low self esteem and aggressive tendencies.

Permissive

Parents take a laissez faire approach with their children, and don’t offer much structure or boundaries, but are often warm, nurturing, and easy to talk to. These parents are often seen as fun and open which fosters a relationship that looks more like friendship.

This may sound like:

“If you’re going to drink, do it here.”

“Why don’t you watch a few hours of Bluey today. Let me know if you’re hungry, or just grab a snack.”

Children with permissive parents often have high self esteem and do well socially, but they tend to engage in risky behaviors, have trouble with self regulation, and pick up harmful habits.

Neglectful/Uninvolved

Parents that are either emotionally or physically absent are often dealing with severe mental illness, substance abuse, addiction, and/or trauma. While these children have a lot of freedom, they are missing boundaries and the feeling of being cared for.

This may look like:

Providing basic needs, but not offering any emotional comfort

Coming home drunk and ignoring the kids

Children with uninvolved or neglectful parents often have difficulty in social, relational, and academic settings. While they are often resourceful, that is a result of needing to be resourceful to survive.

(Naming patterns is not a moral indictment; it’s a way to understand what kids and parents need. Check out https://www.211ct.org/ if you need assistance.)

Want to know more? This article can assist your deep dive.

So… what does this have to do with sex?

Because parenting differences can quietly deplete erotic connection. Misunderstanding each other’s style creates conflict, feeling unseen, and resentment which are rocket fuel for a desire gap. And for couples already navigating a desire discrepancy, mismatched parenting defaults can widen it.

Let’s put this in a real-life frame:

You both value authoritative parenting: warmth and boundaries. But by 6 p.m., after diapers, dishes, and feelings, you’re depleted. The kids are on screens and eating ice cream. Your partner walks in and tightens up: “Why are they watching TV?” Dog puke on the couch. The kids start fighting over the remote and they knock a cup of milk onto the couch. Your partner snaps, “Turn it off. Bed. Now.” After bedtime, your partner reaches for sex. You feel empty.

What just happened?

Three mechanisms I see over and over

1. Stress flips the “brakes.” After a day of caregiving, your nervous system is in protect/perform mode, not play/pleasure mode. In the Dual Control Model, high stress ramps sexual inhibition (brakes) and dampens sexual excitation (gas). It’s not “no desire,” it’s “too many brakes.”

2. Inequity breeds resentment (and resentment kills eroticism). If one partner carries more visible and invisible labor (planning, remembering, emotional soothing), desire drops especially for women in heterosexual couples. Studies link unequal household/mental load with lower desire and satisfaction.

3. New parenthood shifts you into logistics mode. The transition to parenthood is associated, on average, with declines in relationship and sexual satisfaction, even in loving couples, because roles shift and time/energy shrink. Postpartum specifically brings elevated rates of sexual concerns for many families. That’s not failure; it’s physiology + context.

So while you both strive for the same parenting style, stress can cause you to slip into parenting styles which are different than your values. In this example, stress causes you to slide into permissive parenting and your partner into authoritarian parenting.

You:

Your partner:

The pattern (and how you two miss each other)

• North Star: You both want warm-with-boundaries parenting (authoritative).

• Stress slide: By evening, one of you slides permissive (“just watch TV”), the other snaps authoritarian (“turn it off now”).

• Meaning making: Each sees the other as the problem vs. seeing stress as the problem.

• Bedroom echo: The permissive partner feels depleted/overridden (zero erotic bandwidth). The authoritarian-leaning partner feels alone in holding the line and seeks closeness to repair. You reach and miss. You both feel alone with feelings of being misunderstood.

A 20-minute reset that actually changes the night

Re-name the North Star (2 minutes)

“We both want warm-with-boundaries parenting. Let’s land there together tonight.”

Align on the shared value first; it lowers defensiveness.

Spot the stress slide (5 minutes)

Partner A: “When I’m stressed, I tend to act [permissive/authoritarian], and it looks like [concrete example].”

Partner B: (increase empathy) “What I think you’re trying to do in those moments is [protect, soothe, survive].”

Partner B: (increase validation) “Your feelings make sense because [this is hard, today was rough, you’re not a machine].

Switch roles!

Re-balance the load (8 minutes)

• Swap one task completely: Pick one task to trade and take full responsibly for executing it.

• Create a micro-buffer: 10 minutes of solo decompression for the primary caregiver after dinner while the other handles kids/dishes.

• Name one thing for tomorrow (set out PJs, prep coffee, cut fruit). Micro-wins lower tomorrow’s brakes.

Reconnect, gently (5 minutes)

Pick one:

• Co-regulation: 4 minutes back-to-back breathing + 1 minute hug/eye contact.

• Green lights chat: Each names one accelerator and one brake for sex tonight (e.g., “accelerator = shower + clean sheets; brake = phone notifications”). You’re tuning the excitation/inhibition balance in plain English.

Be open to non-sexual forms of intimacy. If sex happens, lovely. If it doesn’t, you still strengthened the erotic ecosystem for tomorrow. Relationship and sexual well-being move together for new parents; small relational repairs compound in the bedroom.

When to bring in support (CT & telehealth)

If you keep looping: same fight, same bedtime crash, same sexual stalemate, sex therapy helps. I work with couples across Connecticut (and virtually, in Florida) on desire gaps, painful sex, postpartum transitions, and rebuilding erotic connection. If you landed here searching sex therapist in CT, welcome. Thanks google!

Feel free to reach out to me for a free 15 minute consultation call.