Unless you’ve been sleeping under a rock, you’ve noticed we’re living through an AI boom. Things aren’t changing by the day, they’re changing by the minute. Powerful, generative tools are now accessible to ordinary people, not just researchers or the ultra-wealthy.

As a sex therapist in Connecticut, I’m acutely aware it’s only a matter of time (if it isn’t happening already) that some folks start outsourcing pieces of their emotional or sexual lives to an app. The idea of using technology for connection isn’t new, but this may be the first time it’s this accessible and often free.

I recently asked a colleague if any of her clients were struggling with this. She said no and was surprised it could even be an issue. I bet her that within a month it would start coming up. (We’ll see who wins. )

Many couples (especially straight, monogamous ones) don’t talk about sensitive topics until there’s already a problem. For example, it’s common to skip defining what “counts” as cheating until after a perceived betrayal. Or to avoid discussing sexual interests until a boundary gets crossed. With AI entering our homes (sometimes without us even realizing it), I want to offer a gentle guide to start this conversation before you need it.

Even if you’re thinking, “My partner would never use an AI for emotional or sexual connection,” I still encourage you to talk.

Click here to download the AI and Intimacy Couple’s Checklist

Use the prompts below as a checklist you can literally bring to the conversation.

How to Start the Conversation about using an AI Intimate Partner

Choose an opener that fits your style:

• “I read something about people forming emotional/sexual relationships with AI. Have you seen anything like that?”

• “I think it’s healthy to talk about potential issues before they’re an issue. Can we share how we each feel about using AI for emotional or sexual connection?”

• “I’m curious what boundaries would feel right for us if AI is part of our lives—now or in the future.”

Before you talk, take a minute to check in with your own feelings and biases.

Topics to Explore Together

• Gut check: How would you feel if you learned your partner was chatting with an AI intimate partner for comfort or companionship?

• Emotional intimacy: Would it bother you if they told the bot things they don’t usually share with you?

• Sexual content: How would you feel about sexualized chats, role-plays, or explicit imagery with a bot?

• Interests & mismatches: What if the bot involved activities you didn’t know they were into or things you know about but aren’t interested in?

• Frequency & context: How often would feel okay? Under what circumstances (travel, insomnia, stress)?

• Topics off-limits: Are there areas (trauma details, family matters, real-life friends) that are a no-go?

• Role-plays: Are there fantasy scenarios that are uncomfortable or not aligned with your values?

• Impact on us: Could any of this improve our connection (e.g., practice communication, reduce anxiety), or might it become a way to avoid intimacy?

• Privacy & risk: If chats or images leaked, how would that affect our relationship, family, or careers?

• Transparency: Do we want to tell each other when we engage with an AI like this? In real time? After? Only if it crosses a line?

• Environmental concerns: Do we care about the energy use of these tools?

Boundaries & Agreements (Co-Create Them)

• Define “cheating” (for you): Is intent what matters? Secrecy? Sexual energy? Time spent? Impact on the relationship?

• Set limits: Time caps, contexts (e.g., not in bed; not during conflict), and content boundaries.

• Revisit regularly: Try an agreement for 30 days, then check in on how it’s working.

Red Flags (When to Pause)

• Secrecy or hiding usage

• Escalating time spent

• Creeping resentment or more conflict around sex

• Less interest in your partner or real-life intimacy

• Blurred lines between fantasy and reality

• Using AI to avoid intimacy,  difficult conversations, or repair

If you notice these, it might be time to slow down, re-evaluate boundaries, or bring this to a therapist.

Did you download the AI and Intimacy Couple’s Checklist yet? Click here!

Curiosity Is Allowed

You’re allowed to be curious and cautious. You’re allowed to set boundaries and adjust them. Technology will keep evolving; your relationship can evolve too and having these conversations protects your relationship by being internal.

If you want support navigating these conversations (or setting healthy, personalized agreements), I’m here to help.

Need more support?

I’ve created a conversation checklist to help you have a conversation about boundaries around having an AI intimate partner. Download the checklist here: AI and Intimacy

As always, reach out if you need extra support! You can contact me here to schedule a free 15 minute phone consultation.