I was recently listening to an episode of Janet Lansbury’s Unruffled: Respectful Parenting podcast (I’ll link it here), and it hit me in such a personal and professional way. The episode was all about approaching your child’s  “bad behavior” with curiosity rather than punishment—and it sparked something that I think is incredibly important in both my work with adults and couples, and honestly, in my life as a parent, too. What if, curiosity in relationships, can help heal your childhood wounds and deepen your intimacy?

When “Bad Behavior” Is a Cry for Connection

In the episode, Janet talks about how behavior like hitting, saying “I hate you,” or acting out isn’t just “bad.” It’s actually a child trying to express something they can’t quite articulate yet—often a feeling of disconnection from their attachment figure.

And because they don’t have the words or emotional context, that disconnection shows up as chaos. Anger. Meanness. Playacting as the “bad guy.” It can be incredibly jarring as a parent. I’ve experienced it, too.

It reminded me of when I was a new therapist doing in-home therapy with children under six and their families. I saw so many kids who were hitting, screaming, throwing things, and making threats. By the time their parents called for help, the behavior had usually been escalating for a while.

Looking back now, with the wisdom of years and parenthood, I can see the pattern more clearly.

What Happens the First Time a Child “Acts Out”

Imagine this: the first time a child expresses a big, overwhelming feeling in a way that shocks their parent, the parent understandably reacts—maybe with punishment, yelling, shutting down, or withdrawing. That initial reaction creates more disconnection, not less.

And from the child’s perspective, the message becomes: “This part of me, this feeling, is unacceptable. Therefore, I must be unacceptable.”

Over time, the parent gets more triggered (“Why is this still happening?”), and the child gets more disconnected. Eventually, both are stuck in a painful loop of rupture and shame. It takes a lot of rewiring for both the parent and the child to come back from that.

And Then Those Kids Grow Up…

Driving to work this morning, it hit me: so many adults I work with, so many of us, were raised in environments where our “bad” parts weren’t met with curiosity and love. And this isn’t about blaming our parents. It just wasn’t the norm. Obedience was prized, punishment was common, and respectful parenting wasn’t yet part of the conversation.

But what happens to a child who learns early on that certain parts of themselves, certain thoughts, emotions, body sensations, are “too much” or “bad” or “dangerous to share”?

They grow into adults who fear that if they show those parts, they’ll be rejected or disconnected from their attachment figures all over again. Except now, those figures aren’t our parents. They’re our partners. Our lovers. Our closest friends.

And so we hide. We feel shame. We keep parts of ourselves locked away because we’re afraid of rupturing the connection.

And the more we hide, the more powerful and scary those parts feel. The old saying is true: what we resist, persists.

So What Do We Do About It?

Listening to that podcast gave me so much hope for the next generation. If today’s kids are met with curiosity and connection when they’re struggling, they’re going to have healthier relationships in thirty years. I really believe that.

But what about us? What can adults do now to heal this?

Here’s where it starts:

Find ways to talk about the parts of you you’re ashamed of in the presence of a loving, curious partner. Practice curiosity in relationships for your partner too.

That’s it. That’s the work.

And yes, it’s incredibly vulnerable, but also incredibly healing.

One of the best ways to learn how to do this with a partner is to first practice doing it with yourself. Be curious and compassionate with the parts of you that feel messy or hard to love. This does a few powerful things:

1. It teaches you that your whole self is worthy of love and acceptance.

2. It helps you stay regulated when your partner shares something vulnerable.

3. It reminds you that your partner’s pain or struggle is not about you—it’s about their story.

So when your partner shares something that might otherwise feel scary or off-putting, you can pause and say:
“This isn’t about me. I don’t have to take this personally. I can choose to stay present with love and curiosity.”

When two people can do this, first for themselves, and then for each other, it creates the kind of emotional safety that allows for deep healing. And that’s when relationships become transformational.

It doesn’t happen overnight. But I’ve seen it happen.

And I truly believe it’s one of the most powerful gifts you can give to yourself, and to the people you love.

Having Curiosity in Relationships is a Skill You Can Learn

Whether you’re navigating these patterns in your relationship, struggling to accept certain parts of yourself, or just feeling stuck in cycles that no longer serve you, I’m here to help.

In individual therapy, we can work together to gently explore the parts of you that were never met with curiosity, and begin to rewrite those old stories with compassion. You deserve to feel safe, loved, and fully seen, in your relationship and in yourself.

In couples therapy, I can guide you and your partner as you learn the tools to be able to hold each other in curiosity and love.

Click here to schedule a free consultation and take the first step toward healing through connection.