On the surface people who are in Polyamorous or Ethically Non-Monogamous (ENM) relationships seem to have very little in common with those who choose to have monogamous relationships. To some monogamous couples, even the idea of having
“many loves” or opening their relationship seems so foreign that the concept doesn’t even enter their
minds as a possibility. Despite the obvious differences in lifestyle, there is much the less common
lifestyle can teach those who have or seek one partner about communication, human connection, and
getting what you want from a relationship.

6. Communication Skills:

The most important thing in a polyamorous relationship has to be sex, right?
Not exactly. People in ENM relationships spend a majority of their time talking. It takes a lot of communication skills to negotiate schedules, emotions, and everyone’s worries when more than two people are involved. Many relationships, no matter what kind, are destroyed because of a lack of communication. Monogamous people can take a hint from their polyamorous friends by practicing transparency, clear communication of wants and desires, and speaking up when they are not happy. You may want to try planning a weekly dinner with your partner just to process thoughts and feelings that may have
manifested throughout the week.

5. Diversify!

One person cannot be everything to you. Polyamorous people know that different partners fulfill
certain needs. One partner may be an excellent emotional support, while another one offers an intense
sexual connection. Monogamous people can fall into the trap where they believe their partner needs to
be everything. When this person does not meet such a high standard ( and most will not), some people
start to believe that the person isn’t right for them and then resentment can slowly slide its way into a
perfectly good relationship. While a monogamous couple may not want other romantic partners to fulfill
such needs, you can achieve the same benefits by learning to rely on yourself, your community, and
your family to help fulfill needs that your partner does not. You don’t need to do everything with your
person. In fact, having that time away is often responsible for spicing up relationships as it adds a little
mystery into the mix.

4. Compersion.

Compersion is a term for when you see one of your partners truly enjoying themselves
with another person. It’s a phenomenon discussed in polyamorous communities because there can be a certain
euphoria from seeing someone you love get pleasure from someone else. Monogamous people can use this
concept to understand how truly important it is to support and proactively help your partner gain
whatever pleasure, success, or happiness they want. It’s the idea that when your partner succeeds, you
succeed too. Are you finding yourself becoming upset when your partner gains happiness from
someone or something that is not you? That brings me to #3.

3. Jealousy.

“Don’t you get jealous?” People in ENM relationships get asked this all of the time. Of course
people get jealous; they are only human and not emotionless sex machines. The thing is: being
monogamous does not make you immune to jealousy. Just because you are not sharing your partner
doesn’t mean that jealousy doesn’t pop up in other ways. A partner may be jealous of their partner’s
friend or colleague. One person may become jealous of their other half’s successes. The main lesson
here that monogamous people can learn from polyamorous people is that jealousy should be normalized and processed.

That means that feeling jealous should be treated like another normal human emotion and the
underlying causes of the emotion can be discussed in healthy and productive ways. No one should feel
shamed for admitting to jealousy. In fact, jealousy is often a helpful sign that there is something that one wants in their life and can be a motivator for making changes.

2. Self Care.

Polyamorous folks know they need to put their needs first in order to be healthy and to enjoy their
other relationships fully. Part of practicing self-care is knowing yourself, your wants, needs, and desires.
The other part of self-care is understanding how to advocate for yourself so that your needs are met.
Many people in relationships put their partner’s needs ahead of their own. This only breeds resentment.
While those in ENM relationships focus on self-care often, monogamous people might not think of it.
Think of how present you could be for your partner if you took the time to truly care for yourself.

1. NRE.

Polyamorous people often talk about NRE or New Relationship Energy. This is the name for the butterflies
in your stomach when you meet a person, the leap that your heart takes when you see that you just got
a text message from them, and the propensity to neglect other important relationships when you meet
someone new. Since meeting new people is usually a part of polyamorous dynamics, people in non-
monogamous relationships have done beautiful work giving an appropriate label to this feeling, and also
noting when it can be a problem. In monogamous relationships, often friendships, time with family, and
even pre-relationship hobbies can take a backseat to a new flame. For some, just giving it a name takes
some of the pressure off because by definition, it will end, and the new relationship energy will fade into
just…relationship energy. For others, it is a good reminder to not neglect yourself or other important
parts of life. In ethically non-monogamous relationships, there is a lot of communication around what other partners need to
feel secure during this time, and mono people could also benefit from this conversation.

Relationships take intense work, communication, and self-reflection. But beautiful, soul-connecting
relationships are worth it, no matter what your relationship configuration. Need extra help with your relationship? I work with folks in all relationship configurations. Contact me here to schedule a free 15 minute consultation.

Curious about ethical non-monogamy? Check out my favorite books on the topic:

PolySecure

Opening Up