Conscious Monogamy: The Relationship Construct That Could Put Me Out of Work
Ethical non-monogamy seems to be everywhere these days. When I first started my private practice specializing in sex therapy in Connecticut more than ten years ago, I was one of the only therapists in the area working with polyamorous couples. Back then, people weren’t even widely using the term ethical non-monogamy.
Sex Therapy in Connecticut
Fast forward a decade, and not only are many more therapists trained and comfortable supporting non-monogamous couples, but open relationships and polyamory have moved into the cultural mainstream. You see it in TV shows, movies, and everyday conversations. I think that shift is a good thing. The more we normalize different ways of being in relationships, the more we reduce stigma, increase safety, and make it easier for people to get support without shame.
But today I don’t want to talk about ethical non-monogamy. I want to talk about monogamy.
For a long time, monogamy has been seen as the default, the “normal” choice. Ethical non-monogamy was viewed as a departure from that norm. But what if we stopped thinking of them as opposites? What if we brought some of the intentionality of non-monogamy into monogamous relationships?
That’s what I mean when I talk about conscious monogamy.
What is Conscious Monogamy?
One of the hallmarks of ethical non-monogamy is that it is intentional. It doesn’t “just happen.” Couples who practice it spend time having hard conversations, negotiating boundaries, checking in regularly, and staying transparent. Trust, honesty, and communication are non-negotiable.
And shouldn’t the same be true for monogamy?
Conscious monogamy means you don’t just assume that monogamy is the default. You and your partner talk about what kind of relationship you want, and you both actively choose it. You have a conversation about what monogamy means to you, what fidelity looks like, and which boundaries matter most.
This shift from assumption to intention changes everything.
Why Conscious Monogamy Matters
When couples define monogamy consciously, they create a foundation of trust and honesty. Misunderstandings that might otherwise erode a relationship are avoided, because expectations are named and agreed upon. Infidelity becomes less likely, not because someone is “policing” the other person, but because the couple has already discussed what fidelity means and why it matters.
In consciously monogamous relationships, it’s normal to talk about whether both partners feel fulfilled and if needs are being met. These conversations happen early and often, before resentment builds or distance grows. By staying open, couples prevent the stories, assumptions, and unspoken frustrations that often drive disconnection.
Building Stronger Relationships
Ultimately, conscious monogamy is about communication and choice. It’s about deciding, together, what kind of partnership you want to create and revisiting that choice as life evolves. Whether you identify as monogamous or non-monogamous, the most important part is that your relationship is built on honesty, trust, and intention.
In my sex therapy practice in Connecticut, I’ve seen how transformative this approach can be. When couples step into monogamy consciously, they strengthen not only their commitment but also their sense of freedom and connection.
I’ll be honest, I’m a little cautious writing this blog. If everyone adopted conscious monogamy, I might be out of a job. But until then, if this is something you’d like to bring into your own relationship and you’d like some support, feel free to reach out.
Cozy Autumn Ideas from a Sex Therapist in Connecticut!
Have you ever asked a sex therapist in Connecticut about sexy things to do in Autumn?
Apple cider donuts. Leaves changing colors. Switching your sundress for a big cozy sweater. As a sex therapist in Connecticut, I am confident that this state knows how to do Fall.
Here are my top 4 cozy, sexy things to do in CT this fall.
As a sex therapist in Connecticut I know that this is the perfect season to bring the romance and spice outside the bedroom.
4. Sing Sea Chanteys at the Griswold Inn in Essex!
What better way to get to know your new lover (or reignite the spark with your long-time spouse) then crowding into a historic pub and singing sea chanty’s. You can even spend a night or two at the inn for a romantic autumn getaway! Check out the events calendar here!.
3. Dinner and Avante-Garde Theatre in New Haven!
Yale Caberet is a student-run theatre that is known for bringing daring, experimental theatre to New Haven. A perfect date for a sapiosexual who will get off on discussing the show for weeks to come! Get dinner before or after in downtown New Haven. Check out Yale Cabaret here for tickets and more info.
2. Play a Sexy Game of Cat and Mouse in a Corn Maze
Castle Hill Farm boasts an incredible corn maze along with tons of other Autumn in New England activities. Why not get lost and role-play predator and prey in the corn maze? Just save the actual mating for when you get home.
1. Enjoy an Endorphin Rush at a Haunted House
Or better yet, a haunted trail! Remember how good it felt to cuddle up with someone watching a scary movie in high school? Check out the Trail of Terror in Wallingford for a real life scare!
If you are looking for a sex therapist in Connecticut, feel free to message me for a free 15 minute consultation! Happy Summer!
*A note: I am not affiliated with any of these places and cannot guarantee that you will find them as sexy as others have in the past. These ideas and recommendations are for entertainment purposes only and are NOT psychiatric or medical advice.
“I’m worried my boyfriend is using an AI Intimate Partner!”
Unless you’ve been sleeping under a rock, you’ve noticed we’re living through an AI boom. Things aren’t changing by the day, they’re changing by the minute. Powerful, generative tools are now accessible to ordinary people, not just researchers or the ultra-wealthy.
As a sex therapist in Connecticut, I’m acutely aware it’s only a matter of time (if it isn’t happening already) that some folks start outsourcing pieces of their emotional or sexual lives to an app. The idea of using technology for connection isn’t new, but this may be the first time it’s this accessible and often free.
I recently asked a colleague if any of her clients were struggling with this. She said no and was surprised it could even be an issue. I bet her that within a month it would start coming up. (We’ll see who wins. )
Many couples (especially straight, monogamous ones) don’t talk about sensitive topics until there’s already a problem. For example, it’s common to skip defining what “counts” as cheating until after a perceived betrayal. Or to avoid discussing sexual interests until a boundary gets crossed. With AI entering our homes (sometimes without us even realizing it), I want to offer a gentle guide to start this conversation before you need it.
Even if you’re thinking, “My partner would never use an AI for emotional or sexual connection,” I still encourage you to talk.
Click here to download the AI and Intimacy Couple’s Checklist
Use the prompts below as a checklist you can literally bring to the conversation.
How to Start the Conversation about using an AI Intimate Partner
Choose an opener that fits your style:
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“I read something about people forming emotional/sexual relationships with AI. Have you seen anything like that?”
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“I think it’s healthy to talk about potential issues before they’re an issue. Can we share how we each feel about using AI for emotional or sexual connection?”
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“I’m curious what boundaries would feel right for us if AI is part of our lives—now or in the future.”
Before you talk, take a minute to check in with your own feelings and biases.
Topics to Explore Together
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Gut check: How would you feel if you learned your partner was chatting with an AI intimate partner for comfort or companionship?
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Emotional intimacy: Would it bother you if they told the bot things they don’t usually share with you?
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Sexual content: How would you feel about sexualized chats, role-plays, or explicit imagery with a bot?
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Interests & mismatches: What if the bot involved activities you didn’t know they were into or things you know about but aren’t interested in?
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Frequency & context: How often would feel okay? Under what circumstances (travel, insomnia, stress)?
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Topics off-limits: Are there areas (trauma details, family matters, real-life friends) that are a no-go?
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Role-plays: Are there fantasy scenarios that are uncomfortable or not aligned with your values?
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Impact on us: Could any of this improve our connection (e.g., practice communication, reduce anxiety), or might it become a way to avoid intimacy?
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Privacy & risk: If chats or images leaked, how would that affect our relationship, family, or careers?
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Transparency: Do we want to tell each other when we engage with an AI like this? In real time? After? Only if it crosses a line?
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Environmental concerns: Do we care about the energy use of these tools?
Boundaries & Agreements (Co-Create Them)
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Define “cheating” (for you): Is intent what matters? Secrecy? Sexual energy? Time spent? Impact on the relationship?
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Set limits: Time caps, contexts (e.g., not in bed; not during conflict), and content boundaries.
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Revisit regularly: Try an agreement for 30 days, then check in on how it’s working.
Red Flags (When to Pause)
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Secrecy or hiding usage
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Escalating time spent
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Creeping resentment or more conflict around sex
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Less interest in your partner or real-life intimacy
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Blurred lines between fantasy and reality
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Using AI to avoid intimacy, difficult conversations, or repair
If you notice these, it might be time to slow down, re-evaluate boundaries, or bring this to a therapist.
Did you download the AI and Intimacy Couple’s Checklist yet? Click here!
Curiosity Is Allowed
You’re allowed to be curious and cautious. You’re allowed to set boundaries and adjust them. Technology will keep evolving; your relationship can evolve too and having these conversations protects your relationship by being internal.
If you want support navigating these conversations (or setting healthy, personalized agreements), I’m here to help.
Need more support?
I’ve created a conversation checklist to help you have a conversation about boundaries around having an AI intimate partner. Download the checklist here: AI and Intimacy
As always, reach out if you need extra support! You can contact me here to schedule a free 15 minute phone consultation.
5 Things to Know About Combatting Stage Fright
Stage fright is one of the most common struggles performers face. Whether you’re a seasoned actor or stepping on stage for the first time, the rush of adrenaline can feel overwhelming. The good news? Understanding what stage fright really is and how to work with it can make it less daunting.
Here are five things every performer should know:
1. Stage fright is rooted in the body, not just the mind
When you’ve had a negative experience on stage or at an audition, the next time you go to perform might feel daunting. In this case, your nervous system perceives the performance as a potential threat against your livelihood or your sense of self. That’s why your heart races, your hands sweat, or your voice trembles. It’s not weakness it’s your body trying to protect you. Recognizing these physical signs as a stress response (rather than a reflection of your talent) is the first step toward reclaiming control.
2. Anxiety feeds on anticipation
Stage fright often peaks before the performance even begins. Your brain imagines the worst-case scenarios, which intensifies symptoms. Practicing ways to ground yourself like deep breathing, mindfulness, or visualization can help calm the anticipatory anxiety so you walk on stage with more ease.
3. Your inner critic makes it worse
Stage fright isn’t about nerves, it’s about fear of judgment, especially from yourself. The harsh inner voice that says, “You’re going to mess up,” fuels the panic cycle. Learning to soften that voice and replace it with supportive self-talk is key to breaking free from the spiral.
4. Past experiences can amplify fear
If you’ve ever blanked on stage, forgotten a line, or felt humiliated in front of an audience, your body remembers. These moments can leave a lasting imprint, making stage fright feel more intense the next time. Working through those experiences rather than trying to push past them helps loosen their hold.
5. Preparation and presence go hand-in-hand
Being prepared builds confidence, but over-rehearsing or clinging to perfection can backfire. The sweet spot is balancing preparation with presence: knowing your material and trusting yourself to be flexible in the moment. Performers who cultivate presence tend to recover quickly from small mistakes and stay connected to their audience.
Ready to Go Deeper?
Did you know that theatre is one of my passions? That’s why I’ve created an intensive to help actors get back on stage.
My Stage Confidence Reset Intensive is designed to help you clear past performance wounds, reset your nervous system, and step on stage with confidence. Using tools like EMDR, hypnosis, and drama therapy, we work to address the root causes of your fear while giving you practical strategies you can carry into every audition or performance. And it takes days, not years.
What’s Your Parenting Style (and how does it impact your Sex Life)?
As a sex therapist in CT, I see many loving parents who haven’t felt intimate since becoming parents. There are obvious culprits—no sleep, hormones, stress, postpartum mood shifts, feeling touched out—but there’s another factor that often surprises people: parenting style.
What’s your parenting style?
Have you been asked this yet? While Tik Tok and the endless scroll might continue to create new names and subtypes, there are generally 4 broad styles of parenting that most parents fall into: Authoritative, Authoritarian, Permissive, and Neglectful. If you belong to a parenting Facebook group or sub-reddit, I’m sure you’ve seen the rabbit holes parents go down defending their parenting style.
So what does this have to do with sex?
Parenting differences can get in the way of sexual connection. Moreover, misunderstanding parenting styles can lead to conflict, feeling unseen and unheard, and can cause an even deeper wedge in between you. And for couples with desire discrepancy, misunderstanding your partner’s parenting style can make that mismatch worse.
So… what IS your parenting style?
Authoritative
Parents strive to be warm, nurturing, and respectful, and also value clear boundaries, limits, and natural consequences. Parents model emotional regulation, self-awareness, and honesty.
They may sound like:
“Hey sweetheart, I see that you’re really upset at me right now. It’s okay to be angry, but it’s not ok to hit.”
“I’m not going to let you hit your sister. I’m going to separate you because it’s my job to keep you safe.”
When experts talk about gentle parenting or respectful parenting, this is the style they are referring to.
Studies show that children raised by parents who are authoritative grow up feeling confident, less aggressive, have higher self esteem, and do better socially and academically.
Authoritarian
Parents prioritize following rules and exceeding expectations over an open and nurturing relationship. Rules are often not up for negotiation, and breaking rules leads to punishment (and not always in ways that match the rule that was broken).
They may sounds like:
“I’ll give you something to cry about…”
“You got a B in math? You’re grounded for a month. Go to your room.”
While children with authoritarian parents may seem well-behaved, it mostly comes from fear and those children often grow up with low self esteem and aggressive tendencies.
Permissive
Parents take a laissez faire approach with their children, and don’t offer much structure or boundaries, but are often warm, nurturing, and easy to talk to. These parents are often seen as fun and open which fosters a relationship that looks more like friendship.
This may sound like:
“If you’re going to drink, do it here.”
“Why don’t you watch a few hours of Bluey today. Let me know if you’re hungry, or just grab a snack.”
Children with permissive parents often have high self esteem and do well socially, but they tend to engage in risky behaviors, have trouble with self regulation, and pick up harmful habits.
Neglectful/Uninvolved
Parents that are either emotionally or physically absent are often dealing with severe mental illness, substance abuse, addiction, and/or trauma. While these children have a lot of freedom, they are missing boundaries and the feeling of being cared for.
This may look like:
Providing basic needs, but not offering any emotional comfort
Coming home drunk and ignoring the kids
Children with uninvolved or neglectful parents often have difficulty in social, relational, and academic settings. While they are often resourceful, that is a result of needing to be resourceful to survive.
(Naming patterns is not a moral indictment; it’s a way to understand what kids and parents need. Check out https://www.211ct.org/ if you need assistance.) 
Want to know more? This article can assist your deep dive.
So… what does this have to do with sex?
Because parenting differences can quietly deplete erotic connection. Misunderstanding each other’s style creates conflict, feeling unseen, and resentment which are rocket fuel for a desire gap. And for couples already navigating a desire discrepancy, mismatched parenting defaults can widen it.
Let’s put this in a real-life frame:
You both value authoritative parenting: warmth and boundaries. But by 6 p.m., after diapers, dishes, and feelings, you’re depleted. The kids are on screens and eating ice cream. Your partner walks in and tightens up: “Why are they watching TV?” Dog puke on the couch. The kids start fighting over the remote and they knock a cup of milk onto the couch. Your partner snaps, “Turn it off. Bed. Now.” After bedtime, your partner reaches for sex. You feel empty.
What just happened?
Three mechanisms I see over and over
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Stress flips the “brakes.” After a day of caregiving, your nervous system is in protect/perform mode, not play/pleasure mode. In the Dual Control Model, high stress ramps sexual inhibition (brakes) and dampens sexual excitation (gas). It’s not “no desire,” it’s “too many brakes.”
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Inequity breeds resentment (and resentment kills eroticism). If one partner carries more visible and invisible labor (planning, remembering, emotional soothing), desire drops especially for women in heterosexual couples. Studies link unequal household/mental load with lower desire and satisfaction.
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New parenthood shifts you into logistics mode. The transition to parenthood is associated, on average, with declines in relationship and sexual satisfaction, even in loving couples, because roles shift and time/energy shrink. Postpartum specifically brings elevated rates of sexual concerns for many families. That’s not failure; it’s physiology + context.
So while you both strive for the same parenting style, stress can cause you to slip into parenting styles which are different than your values. In this example, stress causes you to slide into permissive parenting and your partner into authoritarian parenting.
You: 
Your partner: 
The pattern (and how you two miss each other)
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North Star: You both want warm-with-boundaries parenting (authoritative).
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Stress slide: By evening, one of you slides permissive (“just watch TV”), the other snaps authoritarian (“turn it off now”).
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Meaning making: Each sees the other as the problem vs. seeing stress as the problem.
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Bedroom echo: The permissive partner feels depleted/overridden (zero erotic bandwidth). The authoritarian-leaning partner feels alone in holding the line and seeks closeness to repair. You reach and miss. You both feel alone with feelings of being misunderstood.
A 20-minute reset that actually changes the night
Re-name the North Star (2 minutes)
“We both want warm-with-boundaries parenting. Let’s land there together tonight.”
Align on the shared value first; it lowers defensiveness.
Spot the stress slide (5 minutes)
Partner A: “When I’m stressed, I tend to act [permissive/authoritarian], and it looks like [concrete example].”
Partner B: (increase empathy) “What I think you’re trying to do in those moments is [protect, soothe, survive].”
Partner B: (increase validation) “Your feelings make sense because [this is hard, today was rough, you’re not a machine].
Switch roles!
Re-balance the load (8 minutes)
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Swap one task completely: Pick one task to trade and take full responsibly for executing it.
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Create a micro-buffer: 10 minutes of solo decompression for the primary caregiver after dinner while the other handles kids/dishes.
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Name one thing for tomorrow (set out PJs, prep coffee, cut fruit). Micro-wins lower tomorrow’s brakes.
Reconnect, gently (5 minutes)
Pick one:
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Co-regulation: 4 minutes back-to-back breathing + 1 minute hug/eye contact.
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Green lights chat: Each names one accelerator and one brake for sex tonight (e.g., “accelerator = shower + clean sheets; brake = phone notifications”). You’re tuning the excitation/inhibition balance in plain English.
Be open to non-sexual forms of intimacy. If sex happens, lovely. If it doesn’t, you still strengthened the erotic ecosystem for tomorrow. Relationship and sexual well-being move together for new parents; small relational repairs compound in the bedroom.
When to bring in support (CT & telehealth)
If you keep looping: same fight, same bedtime crash, same sexual stalemate, sex therapy helps. I work with couples across Connecticut (and virtually, in Florida) on desire gaps, painful sex, postpartum transitions, and rebuilding erotic connection. If you landed here searching sex therapist in CT, welcome. Thanks google!
Feel free to reach out to me for a free 15 minute consultation call.
Fun Summer Ideas from a Sex Therapist in Connecticut!
Have you ever asked a sex therapist in Connecticut about fun things to do in the Summer?
New York City. Amsterdam. Milan. Paris. As a sex therapist in Connecticut, I know the Nutmeg State isn’t exactly known as a romantic or sexy destination. But anyone who’s worked with me knows: foreplay starts outside the bedroom, and planning fun, engaging activities with your lover can set the tone for passion when you get home.
Here are 5 Summer ideas for heating things up in “the country”.
As a sex therapist in Connecticut, I often speak to my clients about ways to bring their foreplay outside of the bedroom.
5. Plan A Weekend Getaway
As a sex therapist in Connecticut, I often speak to my clients about ways to bring their foreplay outside of the bedroom.
If relaxing and getting pampered helps you feel more excited about sex, there are plenty of small resorts along the Connecticut shoreline. One of my favorites is Saybrook Point. Perched on the edge of a gorgeous view of the Sound, it’s a charming spot for a romantic weekend away. If stress dampens your desire, book a massage at the spa before dinner (Fresh Salt is amazing!)—it can set the perfect mood for intimate connection.
Pro tip: Order breakfast in bed the next morning.
4. Hiking and Camping at Bear Mountain
Does adventure or novelty turn you on? Get in touch with your primal side by camping in the northeast corner of the state. Bear Mountain offers beautiful trails for a range of fitness levels. For the particularly adventurous, the hike to Sage’s Ravine leads to a secluded ravine and campground.
Pro tips:
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Hike in the morning or evening to beat the heat.
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The campground may be emptier midday-great timing for cozying up.
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Leave your tent flaps open to maximize airflow.
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Daylight makes tents opaque from the outside, but remember, sound travels. Want to spice things up? See how quiet you can be…
3. Dinner and Theatre in New Haven
Is intellectual stimulation your biggest turn-on? New Haven has vibrant cultural offerings all year long. Check out Elm Shakespeare Company’s summer Shakespeare in the park—it’s free, fun, and deeply romantic. This year’s performance of A Midsummer Night’s Dream promises a whimsical, sexy romp. Pack a picnic, bring a blanket, and get swept up in the story together.
Not into theatre? Dinner at Fair Haven Oyster Company offers aphrodisiacs and atmosphere, all with a water view.
2. Enjoy A Sunset at a Winery
Indulging in awe-inspiring experiences can help you feel more connected to nature and to each other. Gouveia Vineyards is perched on a hilltop with sweeping views of rolling grapevines, making it a perfect spot for sunset. Pack a light romantic picnic, bring a cozy blanket, and soak in the beauty.
Don’t drink? They also offer non-alcoholic beverages.
1. Lesser Known Beaches
Connecticut is full of beautiful beaches, but they’re often packed. If you’re craving more privacy and space to connect, try a lesser-known gem like Dubois Beach in Stonington. It’s quieter and offers a more intimate experience.
After a long day at the beach, maybe a shower together at home is the perfect transition into deeper intimacy…
If you are looking for a sex therapist in Connecticut, feel free to message me for a free 15 minute consultation! Happy Summer!
*A note: I am not affiliated with any of these places and cannot guarantee that you will find them as sexy as others have in the past. These ideas and recommendations are for entertainment purposes only and are NOT psychiatric or medical advice.
6 Things Monogamous Folks can Learn from the Polyamorous Community
On the surface people who are in Polyamorous or Ethically Non-Monogamous (ENM) relationships seem to have very little in common with those who choose to have monogamous relationships. To some monogamous couples, even the idea of having
“many loves” or opening their relationship seems so foreign that the concept doesn’t even enter their
minds as a possibility. Despite the obvious differences in lifestyle, there is much the less common
lifestyle can teach those who have or seek one partner about communication, human connection, and
getting what you want from a relationship.
6. Communication Skills:
The most important thing in a polyamorous relationship has to be sex, right?
Not exactly. People in ENM relationships spend a majority of their time talking. It takes a lot of communication skills to negotiate schedules, emotions, and everyone’s worries when more than two people are involved. Many relationships, no matter what kind, are destroyed because of a lack of communication. Monogamous people can take a hint from their polyamorous friends by practicing transparency, clear communication of wants and desires, and speaking up when they are not happy. You may want to try planning a weekly dinner with your partner just to process thoughts and feelings that may have
manifested throughout the week.
5. Diversify!
One person cannot be everything to you. Polyamorous people know that different partners fulfill
certain needs. One partner may be an excellent emotional support, while another one offers an intense
sexual connection. Monogamous people can fall into the trap where they believe their partner needs to
be everything. When this person does not meet such a high standard ( and most will not), some people
start to believe that the person isn’t right for them and then resentment can slowly slide its way into a
perfectly good relationship. While a monogamous couple may not want other romantic partners to fulfill
such needs, you can achieve the same benefits by learning to rely on yourself, your community, and
your family to help fulfill needs that your partner does not. You don’t need to do everything with your
person. In fact, having that time away is often responsible for spicing up relationships as it adds a little
mystery into the mix.
4. Compersion.
Compersion is a term for when you see one of your partners truly enjoying themselves
with another person. It’s a phenomenon discussed in polyamorous communities because there can be a certain
euphoria from seeing someone you love get pleasure from someone else. Monogamous people can use this
concept to understand how truly important it is to support and proactively help your partner gain
whatever pleasure, success, or happiness they want. It’s the idea that when your partner succeeds, you
succeed too. Are you finding yourself becoming upset when your partner gains happiness from
someone or something that is not you? That brings me to #3.
3. Jealousy.
“Don’t you get jealous?” People in ENM relationships get asked this all of the time. Of course
people get jealous; they are only human and not emotionless sex machines. The thing is: being
monogamous does not make you immune to jealousy. Just because you are not sharing your partner
doesn’t mean that jealousy doesn’t pop up in other ways. A partner may be jealous of their partner’s
friend or colleague. One person may become jealous of their other half’s successes. The main lesson
here that monogamous people can learn from polyamorous people is that jealousy should be normalized and processed.
That means that feeling jealous should be treated like another normal human emotion and the
underlying causes of the emotion can be discussed in healthy and productive ways. No one should feel
shamed for admitting to jealousy. In fact, jealousy is often a helpful sign that there is something that one wants in their life and can be a motivator for making changes.
2. Self Care.
Polyamorous folks know they need to put their needs first in order to be healthy and to enjoy their
other relationships fully. Part of practicing self-care is knowing yourself, your wants, needs, and desires.
The other part of self-care is understanding how to advocate for yourself so that your needs are met.
Many people in relationships put their partner’s needs ahead of their own. This only breeds resentment.
While those in ENM relationships focus on self-care often, monogamous people might not think of it.
Think of how present you could be for your partner if you took the time to truly care for yourself.
1. NRE.
Polyamorous people often talk about NRE or New Relationship Energy. This is the name for the butterflies
in your stomach when you meet a person, the leap that your heart takes when you see that you just got
a text message from them, and the propensity to neglect other important relationships when you meet
someone new. Since meeting new people is usually a part of polyamorous dynamics, people in non-
monogamous relationships have done beautiful work giving an appropriate label to this feeling, and also
noting when it can be a problem. In monogamous relationships, often friendships, time with family, and
even pre-relationship hobbies can take a backseat to a new flame. For some, just giving it a name takes
some of the pressure off because by definition, it will end, and the new relationship energy will fade into
just…relationship energy. For others, it is a good reminder to not neglect yourself or other important
parts of life. In ethically non-monogamous relationships, there is a lot of communication around what other partners need to
feel secure during this time, and mono people could also benefit from this conversation.
Relationships take intense work, communication, and self-reflection. But beautiful, soul-connecting
relationships are worth it, no matter what your relationship configuration. Need extra help with your relationship? I work with folks in all relationship configurations. Contact me here to schedule a free 15 minute consultation.
Curious about ethical non-monogamy? Check out my favorite books on the topic:
Healing Begins with Curiosity: What Our “Bad Behavior” as Kids Has to Do with Our Adult Relationships
I was recently listening to an episode of Janet Lansbury’s Unruffled: Respectful Parenting podcast (I’ll link it here), and it hit me in such a personal and professional way. The episode was all about approaching your child’s “bad behavior” with curiosity rather than punishment—and it sparked something that I think is incredibly important in both my work with adults and couples, and honestly, in my life as a parent, too. What if, curiosity in relationships, can help heal your childhood wounds and deepen your intimacy?
When “Bad Behavior” Is a Cry for Connection
In the episode, Janet talks about how behavior like hitting, saying “I hate you,” or acting out isn’t just “bad.” It’s actually a child trying to express something they can’t quite articulate yet—often a feeling of disconnection from their attachment figure.
And because they don’t have the words or emotional context, that disconnection shows up as chaos. Anger. Meanness. Playacting as the “bad guy.” It can be incredibly jarring as a parent. I’ve experienced it, too.
It reminded me of when I was a new therapist doing in-home therapy with children under six and their families. I saw so many kids who were hitting, screaming, throwing things, and making threats. By the time their parents called for help, the behavior had usually been escalating for a while.
Looking back now, with the wisdom of years and parenthood, I can see the pattern more clearly.
What Happens the First Time a Child “Acts Out”
Imagine this: the first time a child expresses a big, overwhelming feeling in a way that shocks their parent, the parent understandably reacts—maybe with punishment, yelling, shutting down, or withdrawing. That initial reaction creates more disconnection, not less.
And from the child’s perspective, the message becomes: “This part of me, this feeling, is unacceptable. Therefore, I must be unacceptable.”
Over time, the parent gets more triggered (“Why is this still happening?”), and the child gets more disconnected. Eventually, both are stuck in a painful loop of rupture and shame. It takes a lot of rewiring for both the parent and the child to come back from that.
And Then Those Kids Grow Up…
Driving to work this morning, it hit me: so many adults I work with, so many of us, were raised in environments where our “bad” parts weren’t met with curiosity and love. And this isn’t about blaming our parents. It just wasn’t the norm. Obedience was prized, punishment was common, and respectful parenting wasn’t yet part of the conversation.
But what happens to a child who learns early on that certain parts of themselves, certain thoughts, emotions, body sensations, are “too much” or “bad” or “dangerous to share”?
They grow into adults who fear that if they show those parts, they’ll be rejected or disconnected from their attachment figures all over again. Except now, those figures aren’t our parents. They’re our partners. Our lovers. Our closest friends.
And so we hide. We feel shame. We keep parts of ourselves locked away because we’re afraid of rupturing the connection.
And the more we hide, the more powerful and scary those parts feel. The old saying is true: what we resist, persists.
So What Do We Do About It?
Listening to that podcast gave me so much hope for the next generation. If today’s kids are met with curiosity and connection when they’re struggling, they’re going to have healthier relationships in thirty years. I really believe that.
But what about us? What can adults do now to heal this?
Here’s where it starts:
Find ways to talk about the parts of you you’re ashamed of in the presence of a loving, curious partner. Practice curiosity in relationships for your partner too.
That’s it. That’s the work.
And yes, it’s incredibly vulnerable, but also incredibly healing.
One of the best ways to learn how to do this with a partner is to first practice doing it with yourself. Be curious and compassionate with the parts of you that feel messy or hard to love. This does a few powerful things:
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It teaches you that your whole self is worthy of love and acceptance.
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It helps you stay regulated when your partner shares something vulnerable.
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It reminds you that your partner’s pain or struggle is not about you—it’s about their story.
So when your partner shares something that might otherwise feel scary or off-putting, you can pause and say:
“This isn’t about me. I don’t have to take this personally. I can choose to stay present with love and curiosity.”
When two people can do this, first for themselves, and then for each other, it creates the kind of emotional safety that allows for deep healing. And that’s when relationships become transformational.
It doesn’t happen overnight. But I’ve seen it happen.
And I truly believe it’s one of the most powerful gifts you can give to yourself, and to the people you love.
Having Curiosity in Relationships is a Skill You Can Learn
Whether you’re navigating these patterns in your relationship, struggling to accept certain parts of yourself, or just feeling stuck in cycles that no longer serve you, I’m here to help.
In individual therapy, we can work together to gently explore the parts of you that were never met with curiosity, and begin to rewrite those old stories with compassion. You deserve to feel safe, loved, and fully seen, in your relationship and in yourself.
In couples therapy, I can guide you and your partner as you learn the tools to be able to hold each other in curiosity and love.
Click here to schedule a free consultation and take the first step toward healing through connection.
5 Ways Sexual Trauma Might Be F’ing Up Your Sex Life
Trauma, especially sexual trauma has a way of sneaking into the places where we feel most vulnerable—one of those places being the bedroom. If you’ve ever felt disconnected from sex or struggled with intimacy in ways that don’t quite make sense, unresolved trauma may be playing a role.
Here are five ways trauma might be F’ing up your sex life—and, more importantly, how healing can help.
1. You Have Difficulty Letting Go
One of the most beautiful parts of sex is the ability to surrender—to lose yourself in an experience of intimacy, connection, and pleasure. But if letting go feels impossible or even unsafe, unresolved trauma might be getting in the way. Processing that trauma can help you feel secure enough in your body to relax and surrender to pleasure.
2. You Struggle to Trust Your Partner—Even When They Haven’t Done Anything Wrong
If you feel hesitant, guarded, or uneasy with your partner—even when they’ve done nothing to break your trust—past sexual trauma might be resurfacing in response to the vulnerability of intimacy. This can be confusing for both you and your partner, but it’s not your fault. Trauma shapes our nervous system’s responses, often outside of our conscious awareness. The good news? Healing can help you feel safer in the present instead of being pulled back into the past.
3. You Feel Disconnected from Your Body
Sexual trauma, can make it hard to trust your own body. If your body responded to an unwanted or harmful experience with physical sensations, it may have left you feeling like your body betrayed you. This can create deep confusion and disconnection, making it difficult to listen to your body’s yes and no in the present. A huge part of enjoying sex is trusting your body—and when trauma has disrupted that trust, healing can help rebuild it.
4. You’ve Lost Interest in Sex
When sex is tied to painful memories or broken trust, it makes sense that your body and mind might shut down desire as a form of protection. But if you want to want sex with your partner—if you miss feeling excited about intimacy but just can’t seem to get there—it might be time to explore how past experiences are shaping your present.
5. You Struggle to Express Your Needs and Desires
Maybe you don’t know how to ask for what you want in bed. Maybe you’re not even sure what you want. Trauma can disrupt our sense of agency, making it hard to reconnect with personal desires. If sex has felt more about getting through it than truly experiencing it, healing can help you rediscover what feels good and safe for you.
The Good News: Sexual Trauma Can Be Healed
Sexual trauma doesn’t have to define your relationship with sex forever. Traumatic memories can be reprocessed, and the negative beliefs they left behind can be rewritten. Healing is possible.
I personally love using EMDR therapy to help people process trauma, especially sexual trauma. As a certified EMDR therapist and an AASECT-certified sex therapist, this work is my passion. If you have questions about what treatment might look like or how it could help, feel free to contact me here to set up a free 20-minute consultation.
You deserve a relationship with sex that feels safe, connected, and joyful. Healing can help you get there.
Need help right away? Check out these resources:
When Your Metamour is Pregnant…
“My Metamour is pregnant…”
Having a baby is one of the most wild, beautiful, and transformative transitions in a person’s life. But when the new parent is your partner, and they’ve just had a baby with their nesting partner or another partner, it can stir up feelings you might not have expected. Let’s have an honest chat about all the things that might come up when your metamour is pregnant.
You might feel joy and compersion, but you might also feel fear, uncertainty, grief, or even anger. And then, there’s the guilt—guilt for not feeling purely happy, for struggling with change, for wondering how this baby will shift your place in your partner’s life. You might fear that your relationship will no longer hold the same importance, or you may realize that having a child in your polycule is something you never anticipated or wanted.
I’m writing this because there’s no real blueprint for how to navigate this transition as a metamour or a partner of new parents. It’s a huge life shift, and it deserves space for exploration and conversation.
Factors to Consider When Your Metamour is Pregnant
1. Your Own Attachment History Will Likely Be Activated
Just as having a baby stirs up attachment wounds and childhood experiences for the parents, it may bring up a lot for you as well—but in different ways. If you have unprocessed fears of abandonment, feelings of being unwanted, or struggles with self-worth, those wounds may resurface as the family dynamic shifts.
2. Couples Privilege & Nesting Privilege May Become More Apparent
Perhaps before the baby arrived, your polyamory felt more egalitarian or non-hierarchical. But now, you may see your partner less often, or when you do, they might be distracted—constantly checking their phone to make sure their baby and co-parent are okay. Even if no one intends to shift priorities, the reality of having a newborn can make relationships feel more structured or imbalanced.
Before the Baby Comes: Preparing for Change
1. Reflect on Your Own Feelings About Children
Take time to explore your personal feelings about children and your role in their lives. Do you want to be involved? What worries or desires do you have? What boundaries feel important? Make a list of questions, hopes, and fears to clarify your own thoughts before discussing them with your partner(s).
2. Initiate a Thoughtful Conversation
Depending on your relationship with your metamour, you might want to talk directly with your partner or with both of them together. A helpful way to frame this is:
“Making conscious choices is really important to me, and since a baby is coming into our lives, I want to make sure we’re all intentional about what that means for our relationships and our polycule. I’d love for us to be on the same page.”
Encourage your partners to reflect on this as well. If discussions feel difficult, consider bringing in a mediator or therapist to help facilitate these conversations.
3. Clarify Your Role
Are you interested in playing a role in this child’s life? Do your partners want that? If your desires don’t align, how will that impact your relationships? These can be tough conversations, but they’re much easier to navigate before the baby arrives rather than after.
4. Discuss What Postpartum Support Looks Like
Would you like to offer care to the birthing parent? Are they open to accepting it? Everyone’s postpartum needs are different, and clearly communicating desires and boundaries ahead of time can help avoid misalignment later.
After the Baby Comes: Navigating the Transition
1. Give Yourself Grace
If you’re experiencing jealousy, grief, or a mix of emotions beyond happiness and compersion, be kind to yourself. This is a major transition, and it’s normal to have complex feelings.
2. Attend to Your Own Triggers
Notice what’s coming up for you—old attachment wounds, fears, or insecurities. Speak to yourself with kindness and remind yourself that your emotions are valid. Seek support from friends, a therapist, or other polyamorous communities that understand these challenges.
3. Find Safe Outlets for Your Feelings
It may not be the right time to bring every concern to your partner, especially in the immediate postpartum period. The fourth trimester (the first three months after birth) can be overwhelming for all parents—hormonal shifts, postpartum mental health concerns, physical healing, and sleepless nights make it a particularly tender time. This doesn’t mean your feelings don’t matter, but it may help to process them with a therapist, friends, or other trusted support systems before discussing them with your partner.
4. Give Your Metamour Grace, Too
Your metamour is also going through an enormous transition. They might be overwhelmed, exhausted, and more emotionally raw than usual. While they don’t have to be perfect, and neither do you, a little extra compassion in this phase can go a long way.
Making Room for Complexity When Your Metamour is Pregnant
This can be a challenging time, but it can also be a beautiful one. The key is making space for all of it.
- This is hard, and it’s wondrous.
- I feel jealous, and I feel happy for them.
- I miss my partner, and I love seeing them become a parent.
- I didn’t choose this baby, and this baby is changing my life.
There is room for more than one truth. There is room for opposing truths.
If you or your polycule need support navigating big life changes like this, I offer a free 15-minute consultation to see if therapy might be helpful. You don’t have to figure this out alone.